


Not Time to Go Yet

by Michael_Ackart



Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types
Genre: Butcher of Torfan, Destroy Ending, Earthborn (Mass Effect), M/M, Post-Series, Pre-Series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-19
Updated: 2018-05-19
Packaged: 2019-05-06 02:31:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 38
Words: 30,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14632230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Michael_Ackart/pseuds/Michael_Ackart
Summary: A collection of snippets spanning the life of Commander Cal Shepard. From childhood to after the reaper war, these are some of the pieces I feel are most important to his development as a character





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me at **fairtomato.twitter.com**

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The night after Ryan literally saves Cal's life. The start of a friendship that will ultimately change Cal's life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally written for a prompt list. The prompt was 'I need a place to stay.'

It’s raining but he hasn’t bothered moving off the lip of the fountain. Not many people are in the park tonight, just a few stray members and friends of the Reds are scattered about. There’s no one here he wants to interact with.

Cal shivers as he pulls his worn-down jacket tighter around his thin frame. His entire body still aches, he’s covered in bruises from last night’s fight. He knows those guys probably would’ve killed him. Dead in alley at fifteen--that’s always the way he thought he would go.

But he was saved. By some fucking Alliance boy scout. His name is Ryan and Cal hasn’t been able to stop thinking about him. The question that’s on his mind the most is probably-- _why?_ Why the fuck would some stranger jump in a fight against multiple people? Why would anyone put themselves in danger for a person like him? Cal sure as fuck wouldn’t have done that.

Ryan let him spend the night, even after Cal mockingly admitted to being a professional thief. He patched him up, offered food and his couch to him. Cal left early in the morning, ‘repaying’ him by not attempting to steal from him.

_“You can come back if you need to.”_

Cal hunches over as the rain falls harder. He hates the fucking cold and right now he’s freezing. Ryan’s begging for a disaster to happen, nothing good can come from showing Cal kindness. But he really doesn’t want to crash where he usually does. It’s easy to ignore the scum around the park right now, but he really isn’t in the mood to see anyone else from the Reds.

If he catches the bus now, maybe he’ll get to Ryan’s apartment before midnight.

He glances up and freezes when he sees a couple older guys walking up to him. “Hey, kid,” they begin and Cal’s hair stands up on end. His eyes narrow and against his better judgment, he activates his biotics and jumps up.

They men stop dead in their tracks, murmur something about him being a blue freak, and run in the opposite direction. He lets his biotics fade after a few seconds and he’s surprised, usually they’re so hard to control. He breathes out harshly, makes sure the strangers are truly gone, then runs towards the nearest bus stop.

~~~~~

He paces the hallway, knowing that if anyone sees him they’ll probably call the cops. He’s hesitating, he’s never felt so sickened by being in the Reds. They’ve been his life for the last few years, and he’s enjoyed his work. This isn’t his first time getting beat up, though last night was the worst. He just...needs a temporary break, and this is a much better option than sleeping in a park. Too cold, too wet. This Ryan guy is the logical choice.

His eyes narrow and he stalks up to the correct door. His knuckles rap against it. Is this fucker already asleep? Maybe he won’t hear-

_“Who is it?”_

He looks at the intercom and blinks before pressing the button. “Yo, it’s Cal. Uhh, you said I could come back and...well...I need a place to stay.”

A couple seconds later the door slides open and Ryan is standing there. “Didn’t think I’d see you again,” he says.

“Ha, is that why you offered? Look, I can go if you don’t-”

But he shakes his head and stands aside. “No, I meant it. Come in, you must be freezing.”

He walks in hurriedly, before Ryan changes his mind and kicks him out. The heater’s on and it’s warm and he’s so happy to be out of the rain. He shucks his coat off immediately and Ryan grabs him from him, hangs it on one of the hooks on the wall.

“I’ll get you a change of clothes. You’re soaked.”

Cal blows against his hands as he waits. He’ll crash here one more night. Just one more. And then he’ll be gone and never think about Ryan Shepard ever again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cal has lived in Mexico all his life but he's sixteen the first time he sees the ocean

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another prompt. 'Don't look at me like that.'

“I will never be used to this heat,” Ryan groans as they walk down the street. They’re on their way to a nearby restaurant, navigating through numerous people trying to get to their own destinations.

Cal laughs at him a bit, even though he’s sweating too. “Is this your first summer here?”

“I came at the tail end of it last year. I’d rather be trekking through the snow.”

“Ew.” Cal’s never seen snow but he hates the cold and can’t think of anything worse than walking in frozen rain.

“Hey, are you doing anything tomorrow? Wanna go to the beach?”

His mind quickly races through any potential jobs for the Reds. “Sure, I’m free. I’ve never been to the beach.” Ryan suddenly stops walking so he does too. “Uh...”

“Are you serious? You’ve never been to the beach?”

“Oh my god, don’t look at me like that. So what?”

“It’s like...less than a half hour away in a shuttle. Seriously, we’re not that far from the gulf _or_ the pacific.”

“I’ve never had a reason to go. They sure as hell weren’t taking us anywhere at the orphanage and with...work, I’ve never headed out that way. I rarely leave the city to be honest.”

“Huh.” They both start walking again. “We can go to Rosarito. I like it over there.”

“Alright. But I don’t have any swim trunks.”

“Why not? Don’t you ever go swimming?”

He grins. “I’ve gone skinny dipping.” He laughs at Ryan’s eye roll.

“Fine. We’ll go shopping after dinner.”

He glances over at Ryan. He’s so kind to Cal even though he probably doesn’t deserve it. It’s been more than half a year since he saved him in that alley and Cal loves hanging out with him. He never intended to befriend Ryan but his personality is addicting. Part of him hates to admit it, but he likes him more than anyone he’s ever met through the Reds.

Ryan finally notices him staring but Cal averts his gaze and hopes he doesn’t say anything. Seconds pass and to his relief, he doesn’t. They finally reach the air conditioned restaurant a couple minutes later and Cal is ready for a drink or two.

~~~~~

Cal’s eyes widen as he looks out the shuttle window. It’s parking near the beach and he has a perfect view of the ocean. It’s _massive_. He’s seen it in movies before but seeing it in person...he’s never felt so tiny. He knows Ryan’s been to the beach a million times, has been to actual outer fucking space, but Cal has rarely left the city he was born in.

As soon as the shuttle opens its doors, Cal’s pushing himself through the people ahead of him. Ryan apologizes behind him but he doesn’t care, he wants to get to the water as soon as possible.

He can see various tents, umbrellas, and towels lining the sand. Farther down he can even see people playing volleyball. He waits impatiently for Ryan to catch up before zipping off again.

“Where should we set up?” he shouts behind.

“Keep going!”

The sun is beaming on them but it’s so much cooler than the city. He can hear the roar of the waves and he doesn’t stop until he’s right at the edge of the tide. He kicks off the sandals he’s been waddling around in then lets his feet sink into the wet sand. He grins when the waves crash and the water laps at his ankles. He’s never seen anything like this.

An arm wraps around his shoulders and he looks at Ryan. “It’s so fucking big,” Cal says. “It’s...kind of scary.”

“Yeah, the ocean’s a powerful thing.”

“By the way...uhh, thanks. For bringing me here.”

Ryan smiles at him. “Of course. Let’s find a spot to put our stuff down.”

Cal takes another look, watching swimmers, paddle boarders, and even ships out in the distance. He’s a little terrified of the idea, but he wants to jump in with them. If he was alone, there’d be no way he would. But Ryan’s a good swimmer and would never let anything bad happen to Cal.

He picks up his sandals and then follows after his friend. This is so much better than doing a job for the Reds. It’s only been a few minutes since they arrived but he already never wants to leave.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two years into their friendship, the Alliance has a new mission for Ryan

Cal walks through a very familiar hallway until he arrives at the correct apartment. He punches in the keycode and the door slides open. “Ryan?” he calls out as he kicks off his shoes.

“In the kitchen!” is the response.

He grins and goes to see if Ryan is cooking dinner. He hopes so, he’s starved. “Yo,” he says as he walks in. The kitchen is small but it’s enough for the teen and his friend. “Man, I’m so hungry.” He watches him put a dish in the oven.

“It’s still gonna be a few. Where’d you come from?”

“I was skating at the park. Snapped my board right in half so I had to toss it.”

“Ha, again?”

“Yeah, I’m pissed. Are you just waiting for the oven? I can clean up in here.”

He nods and puts the timer on, then goes into the living room. Cal looks at him quietly before starting on the dishes in the sink. When he’s finished, he takes a quick shower to wash the city’s grime off him. In seventeen years, he’s explored most of the city, walked every dark alleyway and shady looking street, stolen from plenty of high-end stores on the nice side of town. Part of him hates this place but the other part can’t imagine living anywhere else. Well, unless Ryan ever wants to move for a change in scenery, then Cal will happily follow. The Alliance has tons of bases on Earth and he’s no longer associated with the Reds. They can go anywhere.

In two years, they’ve become best friends. Ryan brought him into his home when honestly, the smart decision would’ve been to patch him up and kick him right back out. But Ryan didn’t do that and Cal has never been more grateful.

He redresses after his shower, vigorously towel dries his hair some more, then goes back out. Ryan is already serving them each a plate. Something feels off to Cal but he doesn’t say anything, just sits at the table with his food. A few minutes pass and he tries to start a couple conversations that go nowhere. Finally he blurts out,

“Why are you so quiet today?”

Ryan puts his fork down and looks at Cal. “Look, there’s something I need to talk to you about. I’ve been trying to figure out how to say it.”

“Uhh...okay. What is it?”

“I got a new assignment at work. I...Cal, I’m being transferred. The Alliance is colonizing a new planet at the edge of our territory. They want me there to help. It’s a twelve month mission.”

Cal feels like he’s just been stabbed in the chest--actually this feels worse. Off planet? Ryan has been such a steady presence in his life that he forgot the Alliance extends far beyond Earth. “You can’t go. Ryan, you can’t leave me.”

“I’m so, so sorry. The last thing I want is to leave you but I have to go.”

“No! What the fuck am I gonna do here all alone? If you leave, I have nothing.”

“I’m sorry. I tried-”

“Please!” he begs. “Please, don’t go. Don’t abandon me.”

His heart shatters listening to Cal’s words. Receiving this new mission devastated him this afternoon. He knew how badly it would affect his friend and he doesn’t want to leave him by himself on Earth. His hand reaches out to touch Cal’s but he reels back like he’s on fire.

Cal stands abruptly. A small part of his brain screams he’s being selfish and unreasonable but he doesn’t care. The Alliance is taking away the only good thing in his life. Ryan is his best friend, he loves him. What will he do without him? He doesn’t say a word as he bolts to his room. He throws himself onto the bed then clutches a pillow and sobs into it. A couple minutes pass before the door opens again.

Ryan’s own eyes water as he sits next to him. “Cal,” he says quietly and touches his shoulder. He doesn’t move for a few moments but then he sits up and buries himself in Ryan’s waiting arms. He holds Cal close as they cry together.

“I’m sorry, Cal,” he whispers. “I tried to get out of it but I have to go to this planet. It’s killing me having to do this. We’ll find somewhere for you to stay. I’m not going to abandon you.”

He finally pops his head up so Ryan can see his face. “When do you leave...?”

“In exactly three weeks.”

“I’m gonna miss you.”

“I’m going to miss you too. So much. I’ll be back one day, Cal. This isn’t forever.

Cal supposes this was always something he knew could happen but he buried it out of his mind and let himself forget that their living situation was never permanent. He wonders if Ryan allowed himself to forget that too. There are only so many options for a former Reds member, whose only skills are stealing and sleeping with men. Cal has no idea what he’ll do without Ryan. All he knows is that he already misses him.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cal joined the Alliance out of desperation and the stress of it all is quickly catching up to him

His chest rises and it falls with each steady inhale. He's barely moved the last hour. It's 2am and it's dark and Cal is laying all alone on the couch. This should be a happy time for him, he and Ryan should be having fun. They haven't seen each other in over a year and so, so much has changed.

Cal, the teenage punk thief, is now Shepard, the Alliance soldier. He still can't believe it and he still doesn't want to be a part of it.

The only thing he's looked forward to this last year is seeing his best friend again. But instead of being happy, all Cal can focus on is how fucking much he doesn't want to go back. It was a mistake, a whim, a last resort because of his circumstances when he felt his only other option was to die.

That doesn't seem so bad right now.

It would be very easy for him to open a window and fall down, to run out of the apartment and jump in front of the fastest moving car. The more he thinks about it, the more he craves it.

He cranes his neck towards the small hallway where Ryan's bedroom is. His own room is across the hall but he doesn’t have the energy to drag himself to it. Ryan’s door is open. If Cal screams, he will hear it. He opens his mouth but simply breathes instead. He doesn't want to ask Ryan to stay up with him, it'll only make him feel guilty in the morning.

As terrible as it was, he misses his old life. He misses doing jobs for the gang then coming home to hang out with Ryan. It was dangerous and would've killed him eventually, but that's where he belongs. He doesn't belong with the Alliance, he doesn't belong in space. Hell, he never even realized just how big space is and it's absolutely terrifying. Most days he worries that he'll get sucked up by that big black void.

Cal starts crying and is only surprised it hasn't happened sooner. His life is just one mistake after another. Now he's eighteen and contemplating suicide on his best friend's couch.

“Ryan,” he finally calls. “Ryan!”

He's not sure how much time passes before rapid footsteps make their way to him. He doesn't bother turning on the lights.

“Cal, what's wrong?” he asks, getting the teen to sit up. “Cal?”

“I don't want to go back,” he quietly admits. Ryan won't understand, he's been a proud soldier for the last seven years. Cal knows he'll be disappointed in him and that thought makes him taste bile in the back of his throat.

“Go back where?” He's scared but Cal can tell that he's keeping himself in check.

“The Alliance. A week here's not enough. I shouldn't be there. I can barely fucking read, how did I end up in school to be a fucking space soldier?”

Ryan says nothing and just as he's about to get up and lock himself in the bathroom, Ryan grabs him and holds him. Cal sees no way out of this situation. There's no escape. The last 387 days have all blurred into each other and his perception of time is warped. At least in the Reds he served a purpose, was good at something. Now he feels worthless and replaceable.

“I love you, Cal. You know that, right? You're my best friend.”

“I know,” he mumbles.

Sometimes he regrets leaving the gang. But even now, Ryan’s presence reminds him just how important it was for him to cut ties. Cal knows it was the right decision. That doesn't make this any easier.

“I'm sorry this happened.” And Cal can't know it but Ryan's thinking about how this is all his fault—even though that's not true and Ryan had no control over any of these events.

“Did you ever just want to jump ship?”

“Sometimes. I was about your age and it was hard. I was away from my friends and family and the only life I knew.”

“And now?”

“Now I know it's been the best decision for me. I don't know if you'll feel the same but you don't have to stay forever.”

He looks down when a hand lands on his and then realizes that his fingernails have been biting into his own skin. He pulls Cal's hand away and they both stare at the crescent shaped marks along his knee.

He still doesn't want to leave Earth again at the end of the week. But he won't jump out any windows tonight. Ryan's right—this wont' be permanent. For right now, maybe that's enough.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cal's twentieth birthday

It’s the way his voice sounds as he sings ‘Happy Birthday’ not caring they’re the only two here, it’s all the delicious food he cooked for dinner and how they’re going to a concert soon, it’s the way he smiles as he places a chocolate cake down in front of him.

Cal blows out the candles, wishing for nothing because he has everything he could ever want. His heart swells with love for Ryan and it’s the way Ryan’s done so much to make sure his twentieth birthday is special that he knows Ryan loves him too.

A lot has changed since that first night in Mexicali. Was that the birth of their friendship? Or was it later on, when Cal realized that Ryan wasn’t just some stranger trying to take advantage of him? When did he realize that?

Was it when Ryan saved him from the people beating him in an alley?

Was it when he patched him up and provided him a safe place to rest afterwards?

Was it when Ryan offered him--a gang member, a thief, a terrible person--his home time and time again?

Or was it the first time Cal decided to open up to Ryan and tell him about his past, the orphanage, his initiation into the Reds, the horrible things he’d seen and done in his three years with them?

It’s hard to place the exact moment Ryan became his closest friend. It’s as much of a mystery as his own birth is to him. But trying to find such a specific slice of time is irrelevant, he realizes, as Ryan slices him a gigantic piece of chocolate cake. What matters is this moment with his friend. He’s exactly where he wants to be with the person he wants to be with. Ryan is the family he never had, Ryan is the person who taught him what that word means.

Family isn’t a stranger giving birth to him in a hospital. Family is the person who’s taken care of him for years, the person Cal took his last name from, the person he shares an apartment on the Citadel with now.

Cal’s childhood gave him a warped view of what ‘family’ means. But Ryan’s given him a new perspective. He feels lucky, and grateful. And loved.

He sticks a huge bite of cake in his mouth and puffs his cheeks out at Ryan. He sticks his tongue out at Cal. “Do you like the cake?”

He nods vigorously. “I think it just might be the best chocolate cake I’ve had. Thank you. I’m excited about the concert! I’ve never seen these guys live.”

“I’ve seen them once, a looooooong time ago. When they were still playing in basements on Earth.”

“Ah, that’s so cool.”

Today has been a very good birthday. Better than his nineteenth and definitely better than his eighteenth. They leave the apartment and he knows it’s going to continue to be good. What more can he ask for? His past is rough. There’s no doubt about that. But it was able to give birth to a wonderful friendship. He has enough bad memories to last a lifetime, but thanks to Ryan he has a lot of good memories too. Cal is happy.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of Torfan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning: self-harm (cutting)

“What’s that on your arms?”

Cal rolls his eyes and keeps scrolling on his laptop. “Cuts.”

“From what?” Ryan presses.

“Oh please, stop acting dumb. You really want me to say it?”

“I’m worried about you, Cal.”

“Well, don’t be. I’m fucking fine.”

“You’re not though. You’re self-harming and drinking and-”

“And so what?”

Ryan’s gaze is on anything but him as his leg bounces. He’s shaking the whole couch. “I know you haven’t been going to therapy.”

“No, I haven’t,” he answers, eyes not leaving his screen.

“Why?”

“Because I don’t want to! It’s stupid, I’ve seen a lot of shit in my life. In case you forgot, I used to be in a gang. They made me do all sorts of fucked up things. I didn’t need therapy then, I don’t need it now. Torfan was...I don’t care about it. Talking it out with some overpaid twat isn’t gonna help.”

“That’s...that’s just not true. You do care, it’s okay to care. If you’d just give therapy a try-”

“No,” he says sharply. “I don’t need it.” Cal briefly glances at the numerous angry red cuts along his arms, the ones he placed there himself with a razor.

“There’s no reason for you to always be so angry with me.”

“Because you keep saying stupid things.”

“And now you’re being a dick. Again, for no reason.”

Cal tosses his laptop onto the cushion between them and stands up. “I’m going out,” he says suddenly and walks away. He hears Ryan sigh but he says nothing more to him. He’s relieved.

Ryan won’t stop bothering him. It’s annoying. He and the Alliance are wrong. He doesn’t need therapy or help or to talk anything out. People died on Torfan. People under his command. Because the Alliance had a mission--and he made sure it was completed.

The Alliance.

Why did he do what he did? It’s something he can’t help but wonder. He hates the Alliance, he hates being a solider, he hates his life. Why did Torfan happen the way it did? Why is he still in the Alliance? Why does he make himself suffer year after year?

He thinks about why he joined in the first place.

Everything comes back to Ryan.

Ryan didn’t force him to join, but he left him alone in Mexico with nowhere else to turn.

‘That’s not true,’ a voice whispers in the back of his mind. He promised over and over again that he had friends to stay with, that he’d get a normal job, that he could live on his own and not turn back to the Reds. Maybe that could’ve been true, but he let fear and paranoia get the best of him. He was so scared the Reds would find him no matter where he went on Earth, that he joined the Alliance as a quick way out.

He thought it’d be a free ticket off Earth, that he could head to the Citadel to live life as a freelance thief. But the opportunity never arose, he never left, just kept training until they assigned him his first post. Ryan was so proud of him for joining. That’s what kept him going. He didn’t want to fall back on old habits and lose the pride Ryan felt over him joining. If he went back to stealing, he wouldn’t be worthy of taking Ryan’s last name as his own anymore. Becoming Cal Shepard made him feel like something.

So he stayed. Ryan told him he should leave if he wanted, but what else would he do? People order him around to do bad stuff, same as the Reds. He’s used to it. Trying to figure out what he wants to do with his life has always been too daunting of a thought.

But instead of acknowledging that, Cal chooses to blame Ryan right now. It’s his fault he’s in the Alliance, it’s his fault he was sent to Torfan, it’s his fault he killed all those people.

He walks a little faster, hoping he can outpace his thoughts. The nearest bar will help with that. Who cares if he’s drinking more? He’s twenty-four, what person his age isn’t getting drunk?

Hours pass. He only has a couple beers but during that time, his thoughts have spiraled. His depression is the worst it’s ever been, his thighs and arms are slashed, he’s angry all the time. By the time he leaves the bar after skipping out on the tab, he’s built Ryan up as the enemy. Everything Cal feels right now is his fault.

He goes back home, intent on telling Ryan off, but he’s not there. But then he hears a voice coming from the balcony that overlooks the Presidium. The glass door is slightly ajar and he can hear Ryan’s side of the conversation. He shimmies against the wall, hidden if Ryan decides to turn around. It doesn’t take long for Cal to figure out he’s talking about him.

“I don’t know what to do. He’s self-harming and--what? No, I...I don’t think so. I don’t want to do that, I don’t think it’ll be any help. He’ll just hate me. The Alliance says he’s mentally unfit to serve right now and I agree. But he keeps insisting he’s fine and I don’t know how to help him.”

A pause, he’s most likely talking to one of his parents. He would never share so many details about Cal with anyone else.

“How am I suppose to do that when it’s obvious he’s lying? I can’t just let him go down this path.”

“I don’t know. He left after I asked about the cuts on his arms. I feel anxious every time he goes out, I haven’t felt this way since he was still in the Reds.”

“Yeah...yeah, I know. Okay. I’ll talk to you later. Love you too, bye.”

Shepard slithers away, he doesn’t want to talk to Ryan anymore so he goes to his room. He’s kind of annoyed that Ryan’s talking about him. He doesn’t need help with anything. He grew up alone, he’ll get past this alone too.

Once Cal takes a nap, his anger doesn’t subside but a new idea comes to him. When he goes to the living room, Ryan’s simply watching tv.

“Oh, I didn’t know you came home,” he says.

“Yeah, a while ago. I took a nap.” He sits down on the couch.

“You look like you have something to say.”

Cal is annoyed by how well Ryan knows him. “Yeah. I think I’m gonna move out.”

Ryan doesn’t react for a few moments, processing the words. “Why?” he finally asks.

“Because I think that’s what’s best for me.”

“And when did you decide this? When you were out drinking?”

His eyes narrow. “Does it matter?” he growls to avoid answering. “I’m moving out, I have other friends who aren’t gonna fucking bug me all the time.”

“Why are you being such a dick?” This is the first instance that Ryan’s raised his voice. It’s only slightly, Cal knows he’s trying very hard to remain calm, but he still hears it.

“Fuck you, I’m not being a dick for wanting independence.”

“Independence? I’m not your parent, I’ve never forced you to do anything. I have always treated you as an equal. Just because I’m worried about you-”

“Your worry is misplaced.”

“How long until you get a little too drunk or cut a little too deep? What then? Am I just supposed to pretend like nothing’s happened? What would you do in my position?”

“I’d go back to work. I’d leave me alone because I’m fucking fine and don’t need someone watching over me like a child. You’re annoying.”

Ryan waves his hand at him and stands up. “Do whatever the fuck you want. Just because you’re angry doesn’t mean you can treat me like shit.”

“I’m not treating you like anything!” he shouts after him.

He spins around. “I can’t say a fucking word to you anymore without you getting mad and insulting me. You want to imagine I’m treating you like a child but you’re the one who’s acting like one.”

Cal crosses his arms and looks away. “I’m leaving the Alliance too. I hate it, I hate being there.”

“Again, do what you want.”

“I’m surprised you’re not trying to force me to go back.”

Ryan’s eyes narrow. “We both know you’re just making stuff up now. I never forced you into the Alliance. I’ve told you to leave repeatedly.”

“Yeah, but you don’t mean that. It’s your fault I enlisted. If you hadn’t left Mexico-”

“I had no choice, Cal. You know that.”

“If it wasn’t for you, I never would’ve enlisted and I never would’ve been at Torfan! It’s your fault! You made me murder all those people!” he screams, shaking and stomping his feet on the floor.

Ryan’s eyes widen and he looks like he’s just been slapped. He takes a step forward.

“Stay away from me!” Guilt floods him. So many people died. The slavers were defeated but at what cost? Why did he have to make the decision? Every time someone calls him the Butcher of Torfan, he feels sick. His heart burns with hatred for the Alliance and for himself while his stomach rumbles with nausea.

He stands suddenly and keeps telling Ryan to stay away. It’s easier to blame him instead of admitting that he consciously chose to send most of his troops to their deaths. He stumbles to his bedroom like he’s drunk and locks the door behind him. He doesn’t know if Ryan follows him or tries to get in. He can’t hear anything outside his own head and his only focus is practically ripping the drawer open from his desk. He pulls out the razor and a small hand towel covered with old spots of blood.

He looks at his forearm, covered in red marks and scars. He presses the blade against his skin and slowly draws it across. He repeats the motion. Harder this time. Deeper. The pain is one of the few things that successfully takes his anxiety away. Drinking doesn’t always help, sometimes it just makes things worse. But cutting up his skin calms him even though he doesn’t understand why.

Cal clenches his fist over and over, watching the blood pool and drip. It’s more than he expected. His heart’s racing and he grows more scared when his anxiety doesn’t ebb and the blood won’t stop flowing. It’s not working, it’s not working. He switches arms and frantically draws more marks.

Tears gather in his eyes and he presses the rag against one arm while the other bleeds. “R-Rye,” he breathes, incapable of more. It’s too much. The blood, the feelings, he can’t handle it. He walks to the bed and collapses next to it. He doesn’t want to move out, the thought of living without Ryan terrifies him. But he doesn’t know what to do to ease the constant pain and guilt.

“Rye,” he tries again, his voice hoarse. He overrides his door’s lock on his omni-tool. And then he tries one more time. “Ryan!” he manages to shout. His eyes close and he drops his head on the mattress.

It’s only when he hears rushed footsteps that some of his anxiety finally wanes. He’s shaking as he sees Ryan appear. His eyes widen and he says, “I’ll be right back!” Cal’s breathing grows faster and he’s on the brink of hyperventilating when Ryan returns. He drops to his knees next to him and everything’s a blur. Medi-gel is applied to his wounds, Ryan tries to get him to stand but he keeps murmuring no. He’ll pass out if he tries to stand.

“Then I’m going to call an ambulance.”

“No, no, no,” he whines and he’s reminded of that very first night so long ago when he was fifteen and begging this stranger not to take him to the hospital.

Ryan’s arms are around him and it’s only then that his body tries to calm down. Ryan’s here, Ryan is safe. Depression and guilt still gnaw at him but he never wants to leave Ryan’s embrace.

“You need to see a doctor. Please, I’ll hold you up. Can you make it to the car?”

He distantly realizes that Ryan isn’t going to give in this time. He nods but when he stands, his vision swims and he stumbles. Ryan catches him easily, just like he promised. Why is it so hard to put one foot in front of the other right now? He’s pretty sure he hasn’t lost that much blood.

“I got you, Cal. Come on.”

Making it out the bedroom is slow work but they manage together. Then it becomes easier. They leave the apartment and reach the elevator. Ryan holds him as they ride it down, shielding him from the view of other people. The valet outside gets his car for him and then he’s sitting Cal in the passenger’s seat. The drive to the hospital should only take about ten minutes.

Cal leans back into the seat and struggles to keep his eyes open. “I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I’m sorry for how I’ve been acting, for being mean to you and blaming you. And-and-”

“It’s okay,” Ryan tells him.

“No, it’s not! It’s not okay, it’s not-”

“I accept your apology. You’re going through so much right now, I just want to help you.”

“I know. I know.”

“Let’s just concentrate on getting your arms cleaned up, okay?”

“Uh-huh.”

By the time they’re at the hospital and Cal’s being taken to a room, he feels like he’s been hit by a truck. He’s not sure why, he doesn’t know why he feels so bad. A doctor cleans his arms and bandages them up. When he confesses that the wounds are self-inflicted, they call a psychiatrist in.

He gets anxious again, this is all spiraling into so much more than he wants, but Ryan stays by his side. Ryan’s always been by his side and he feels bad for trying so hard to push him away. He sits next to Cal as he lies on the bed, bandaged arms and an IV in his vein because he’s dehydrated. They also gave him medication to calm his anxiety.

“I’m scared,” he whispers into the cold sterile air.

“They’re just gonna talk to you for a bit. It’ll be okay, I’ll be right here with you. Okay?”

He nods. Now that the medication is kicking in and his thoughts aren’t quite so frantic, he tries apologizing again. “I’m sorry for the way I’ve been acting.”

Ryan squeezes his hand lightly.

“I feel so guilty for what happened,” he softly admits. “It’s too much to think about. When I’m drinking or cutting, that...helps. Usually.”

“That’s why I want you to go to therapy. It’s not going to be a quick fix, but they’ll teach you how cope in healthy ways. Please, I’m begging you.”

“I’ll go...” He means it. He’s willing to do anything right now to take away the guilt. He doesn’t like being so angry and he’s sorry for treating Ryan so badly when all he wants to do is help him get through this.

Cal leans into Ryan. He closes his eyes as his friend’s arm wraps around him. He’s nervous about what the psychiatrist is going to ask him but Ryan’s touch grounds him at this moment. He doesn’t know if anything can help him but he realizes that the path he’s been on isn’t working. What happened isn’t fair and he still hates the Alliance. He doubts he’ll ever return to their ranks, this isn’t worth it. It doesn’t matter that they think he’s mentally unfit, he doesn’t need them in order to heal from this. As long as Ryan stays with him, his departure from the Alliance will be smoother and just maybe he’ll discover what he wants to do with his life as an alternative that doesn’t involve jeopardizing people’s lives.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "If you had asked me to stay, I would've."

Cal feels uneasy as they walk to the docks. No matter how many times he and Ryan have told each other goodbye over the years, it never quite gets any easier. He’s starting to regret finally rejoining the Alliance after his months-long break following the fight at Torfan. Ryan took a leave of absence to stay with him on the Citadel but he knows his friend is an Alliance soldier at heart. Cal only came back because he doesn’t know what else to do.

As soon as he figures himself out, he’ll leave. He doesn’t see Ryan retiring anytime soon. That’s fine. He hates that they don’t have normal schedules but they’ll make it work.

“You’ve been quiet today.”

He looks over at his best friend. Honestly, he feels something close to dread. He hates saying goodbye but this feels a little different. Ryan’s going to a new planet that the Alliance wants to colonize. He’ll lead a squad to clear an area out for future teams. Or something like that. It’ll be dangerous but Ryan’s used to it. “I guess I got used to us spending so much time together,” he finally says.

“I know, so did I,” Ryan admits. “This mission is a bit longer than usual but I’ll back before you know it.”

He nods, the feeling in his chest only getting heavier. He wants to tell Ryan about it but he doesn’t want to worry the man right before a big mission. It’s just him being stupid anyways. “I’ll miss you. Hurry up out there and come back to civilization.”

“Heh, I will. I’ll message you as soon as I’m able, okay?”

They hug. It never does get any easier for Cal. They finally separate and tell each other goodbye. Ryan starts to walk off.

“Love you,” he calls out.

Ryan turns around and smiles, and it’s an image Cal imprints into his brain forever. “Love you too. See you soon.”

His chest is burning now but he smiles back and waves and watches Ryan disappear behind sliding glass doors.

Cal has no idea that he’ll never see Ryan again.

~~~~~

Shepard gasps and his fingers dig into the mattress beneath him. His heart hammers wildly as he pants in the dark, wondering why the fuck he’s dreaming about his and Ryan’s last time together. His chest feels on fire.

His eyes still aren’t used to the darkness in the room and he blindly reaches next to him. “Kay...?” But Kaidan’s not there. Did he not...is he...

_“You should’ve said something.”_

Cal’s standing now, even though he doesn’t remember getting up. He’s not sure where he is but that doesn’t matter. Ryan is in front of him. Sort of. His vision is distorted but he knows that voice so, so well.

_“You should’ve told me, Cal. Why didn’t you say something?”_

He wants to answer, really he does. But he can’t find his voice. It’s lost, he doesn’t know what to say.

_“If you had asked me to stay, I would’ve.”_

He knows that’s true. Ryan would do anything for him. His tongue feels like lead and he wants to melt into the floor. “I’m sorry,” he chokes out. But sorry won’t bring Ryan back.

He should’ve told him that day. He should’ve begged Ryan to stay. That burning in his chest was his heart warning him of what was to come, but he didn’t listen and Ryan paid the price with his life. It’s his fault Ryan died. He could’ve stopped it. He could still have his best friend beside him, fighting right next to him in this war.

_“Cal, Cal...”_

He reaches an arm out, desperate to touch Ryan again after all these years. He searches for his hand, for his shoulder, anything. His vision still isn’t clear and Ryan says no more. And just like that, Cal feels his presence disappear. He’s alone in the dark. He’s all alone.

His eyes open again and this time he’s staring at Kaidan above him, not really registering what’s going on. The lamp on Kaidan’s side of the bed is on but that’s the only light. He’s covered in sweat and shaking. Ryan’s gone. It was all just a dream. But if he had just tried a little harder, opened his eyes a little wider, maybe he could’ve caught a glimpse of his friend one last time.

He shoves himself up, only to bury himself in Kaidan’s arms. It feels like a knife has just pierced his chest and it’s twisting and pushing and hurting. Kaidan hugs him tightly and doesn’t ask any questions for now. Cal wouldn’t know what to say anyways, so he just clings on and cries.

Maybe Ryan really would’ve stayed. But for everything Shepard has done and is capable of, despite cheating death himself, he can’t bring Ryan back from the dead. And that’s something he’ll have to live with for the rest of his life.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryan's dead and Cal is alone

His step is not as light, tongue not as sharp anymore. He’s walking around the Citadel lost, and he feels like he’s been wandering for months instead of the last few hours. He’s been doing a lot of thinking lately, but at the same time his mind is blank.

Cal stands alone in the Presidium. He doesn’t remember how he got here. He walks up to the railing overlooking the lake and flicks his cigarette into it. He doesn’t remember lighting it. A few months have passed since Ryan was killed. Cal feels numb, but at the same time he’s never hurt more.

Ryan is gone.

Cal’s not sure how to handle that. Sometimes when he feels absolutely overwhelmed, he tells himself it’s not true. Ryan isn’t dead. Ryan’s just on some long secret mission. He’ll contact Cal when he’s able, because he’s okay. He wasn’t gunned down by pirates, there was no funeral. Ryan’s life wasn’t stolen, Cal is not alone in the galaxy. Ryan is...Ryan is...

“Dead.”

His voice sounds so foreign to himself. He stares over the rail and sees his reflection in the water.

“What now?”

What is he supposed to do now? Just continue on like nothing? Return to work and pretend that everything is fine? He doesn’t want to return to the Alliance. He hates them and everything they stand for. It’s their fault his best friend is gone.

Part of him wants to leave--he’s always wanted to leave but now he just might do it. Would he return to the city he grew up in? The city he and Ryan met. He’s not a kid in the Reds anymore. He can move to one of the nice districts, find a normal job. Or is it too tainted with memories? Can he stand to live in Mexicali anymore? Is the entire country now poisoned? Maybe America or Canada will be far enough.

But Cal knows he could run to the other side of the galaxy and it would never be far enough. He keeps looking at his rippling reflection and doesn’t recognize himself. The color of his eyes, the cut of his hair, the shape of his mouth, everything somehow feels wrong.

His vision blurs and he wipes at the tears. It’s not fair. It’s not right. If he could, he would trade places with Ryan. He would do anything to bring Ryan here to the Citadel. He would do anything just to hear his laugh one more time.

Sometimes when he’s walking through a crowd, he thinks he hears it in the distance. But then it disappears before he can cherish the sound and he is alone. People have said all sorts of things to him. But they don’t understand. They don’t know how much he loved Ryan, and how much Ryan loved him. How can they be so sure that he’ll feel better with time? That he’ll learn how to live with this massive hole that no one else will ever be able to fill? He doesn’t want that. What Cal wants is to fall into the water and drown.

He’s felt every emotion possible in this past week alone and he’s tired. He wants to rest. He wants to swim, like they did on the beach trips they sometimes used to take. It wasn’t so long ago that they went back to Earth together, after Torfan...

Ryan’s been there for Cal every time he’s needed him. And Cal suddenly wonders if he’s been selfish all these years. That thought makes him cry more, and the tears fall and mix with the lake water.

He can already hear Ryan scolding him, promising that he’s not selfish. And Cal knows in his heart that he has never put more effort and trust and love in a person than he has with his dearest friend.

He leans over the railing but he can’t quite reach the water. He can hear more scolding and for the first time today, he grins.

_‘You can’t go swimming in the lake, Cal!’_

_‘Yes, I can and you’re coming with me!’_

That conversation can’t actually happen now. But nothing is stopping Cal.

“I’m swimming, Ryan,” he says. He takes his shirt off right there in the middle of the Presidium. He kicks off his boots and socks follow. He looks around. C-Sec might arrest him.

His pants are gone. He thinks about it a second but decides to keep his underwear. It isn’t until he’s over the railing, facing the lake while hanging onto it, that he hears a distant shout. A turian officer has noticed him. Finally.

Cal laughs and then he lets go. He falls into the water and swims. Nobody will come in after him, they’re on his time now. When he’s out far enough, he floats on his back. Cal looks up at the artificial sky and wonders if Ryan would’ve jumped in with him.

He is finally able to relax. The C-Sec officer is just a distant noise. Nothing exists beyond his body and the water. In this moment, after months, he finally feels reconnected to Ryan.

With a heavy heart, Cal whispers, “Goodbye, Ryan.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cal always knew he'd never make it to N7

Everyone says it doesn’t matter that he only made it to N2. The fact he got into the program at all is something to be proud of. But Cal doesn’t feel proud, he feels empty. He’s not sure if he ever believed he’d make it to N7, he’s not sure why they wanted him in the first place.

Is it because of Torfan? Was he really so great during that mission, was that really the bright spot of his career? Torfan kept him out of commission for months, it forced Ryan to take a leave of absence to make sure he was okay. Shepard almost left the Alliance altogether at that point. But he eventually decided to return.

And then Ryan died, and he almost left again. He remembers when he was seventeen. Enlisting was just supposed to be a free ticket off Earth and away from the Reds. He thought he could just breeze through training and escape to the Citadel first chance he got.

Ryan was proud of him though and he stayed. But what does he have now besides an N1 rank and bittersweet memories of his best friend? Cal wants to run but he doesn’t know where to go.

He doesn’t know why he keeps coming back. Something always calls out to him, maybe now it’s Ryan’s ghost. But does it really matter anymore if Shepard leaves, if he dies? He can’t be bothered to care.

His hand clenches around an object in his palm. It’s a locket he rarely wears but always carries. It contains a small picture of him and Ryan. This isn’t the life he was meant for. He’s supposed to be on Earth stealing for a living, tangled up with the Reds.

He’s scared if he leaves now, even if he stays on the Citadel, he’ll fall back into the only habits he knows.

Cal opens the locket and stares at a snapshot of two people from a much happier time. Stay. Go. Ryan would support his decision either way. But Ryan is not here, this is a choice he must face alone.

“Just a little bit longer,” he whispers into the air.

‘It doesn’t have to be permanent,’ Ryan used to tell him. Even if he’s not around to say it anymore, he’s still right. This doesn’t have to be his life forever. Truthfully, he gave up on reaching N7 before training even began, his crash and burn was inevitable. It doesn’t bother him. He’s still in the Alliance regardless and sometimes it feels like the only connection to Ryan he has left.

Just a little bit longer. Until he decides what exactly he wants to do with his life. He’s not a kid in the Reds anymore, he has options. It’s up to him to figure out where he wants to go and once that happens, he’ll put the Alliance behind him forever.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In 2180, a guy named Ryder meets a guy named Shepard...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is actually one of the flashbacks from another fic of mine, 'The General's Revenge' (it's good, please read it). Just fixed it up a little

A seventeen year old laughs in his friend's tattoo shop. Luca loves watching everyone work, loves watching the art they create on each customer's skin. He's constantly drawing, improving so he too can do this one day. He's currently saving up money from his job at the asari restaurant to afford the necessary equipment. His friend has already agreed to let him apprentice there once he turns eighteen. Even if that’s still a year away, he’s excited.

A new customer enters. He's human. Luca finds him extremely attractive.

“Welcome,” the owner, Gus, greets. “Do you have an appointment?”

“Nah, hoping you take walk-ins. I've heard good things about this place.”

Two artists are free and the man picks one after browsing some of their work on the wall. Luca's mesmerized by the tattoos already on him. Designs color his entire right arm, he’s pretty sure those are tentacles poking out of his shirt collar. He's so distracted, he misses his name.

“I really like your arm,” Luca says and thinks how weird that would sound out of context.

He grins. “Thanks. Do you...work here?”

“Nah, he's too young,” Gus says before he can lie and say he's eighteen.

“But I will once I'm old enough. Right now I just talk to customers who like to talk and sweep for Gus sometimes.”

“Well, I'm chatty. You can come talk to me if you want.”

He definitely does and he listens to the guy's description of what he wants. It's for his best friend who's recently died and Luca suddenly feels sad. It'll be on his chest, it’s the sheet music for a song the friend wrote for him.

“I'm Cal by the way,” he introduces while the artist prepares a sketch.

“Luca. Good to meet you.”

His eyes widen when Cal takes off his shirt and lies down so the artist can get to work. He hesitantly asks about the dead friend, not sure if he actually wants to talk about it.

“He was in the Alliance,” Cal says. “Killed during a mission at the edge of the galaxy. He was my best friend for the last ten years. We met back on Earth, in Mexico.”

“Is that where you’re from?”

“Yup. Born and raised in Mexicali. Well, not really raised but...enlisted when I was seventeen.”

“You’re Alliance?” he asks, and he’s not sure why that’s completely unexpected.

“Ha, yeah, don’t believe it myself sometimes.”

The pair talks for quite a while, the artist joining in occasionally. Eventually Gus yells out, “Hey, Ryder, can you ring up the customer up front for me?”

“Oh, that’s me! Everyone calls me Ryder because there’s two Luca’s here.”

After the customer leaves, Luca runs a hand through his unspiked mohawk. “I should dye my hair purple too.” He’s tired of the faded green. He returns to Cal and they pick up right where they left off. Luca doesn’t mean to bother him the entire appointment but the conversation just flows so naturally. When his swirl of music is finished, Cal looks very deep in thought. He’s staring at himself in the mirror for a long time before he smiles.

“Thank you. This...means a lot.”

Luca doesn’t notice when he wipes at his eyes. Cal puts his shirt back on and pays. Before Luca can stop himself he’s asking, “Hey, uh, do you wanna go grab drinks or something?”

“Heh, sure,” he says. “But just as friends, yeah? You’re cool but you’re too young.”

He pouts a bit but then nods. “Okay.” That’s fine, this Cal guy seems cool enough--even if he is in the _Alliance_. Some flaws can be overlooked.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wrex and Cal are having way more fun in the mako than Kaidan is

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to read all my work in chronological order, go read 'Midnight Krogan' after this for a little (explicit) mShrex action. And then go read 'Beginnings' which is the first time Cal and Kaidan sleep together. Then return here for chapter 12

“Uh, Shepard. What the hell is this?” Kaidan asks, staring at his friend who’s steering the mako.

“A victory song!” Wrex bellows, moving his head to the heavily distorted guitar and the loud drums blaring through the speakers.

“Get pumped, Kaidan!” Cal adds. “We just took out an entire pack of space bandits!”

He’s about to retort but then his arms shoot out to steady himself when the mako suddenly takes a wild turn. Wrex and Shepard are having fun but the lieutenant just finds himself nervous and curious about who actually issued a drivers license to Cal.

His mind drifts for a moment--much like the vehicle right now--not Shepard, or Commander, but Cal.

The warm thought is completely ruined though when Kaidan realizes they’re suddenly airborne. “Oh go, I’m gonna die in this stupid thing,” he whispers. Not the geth, not those stupid pirates, it’s Cal’s driving that will end him.

He notices something on the radar and tries to focus. “Commander, I think we missed one. Or there’s...something else on this planet. It’s to the west and--fuck!”

Wrex laughs at him as Shepard suddenly veers to the right.

“It’s an armature!” Cal announces and he sounds way too happy about that.

“Chase it down!” Wrex says.

“Reading my mind. That’s why you’re my favorite krogan.”

“That the only reason?”

“Well, that and you’re the most handsome krogan.”

Kaidan would laugh at their banter if Cal hadn’t just sped up considerably to chase the geth. It detects their presence but by the time its turrets turn on them, the armature is smashed onto the front end of the mako as they cruise at speeds completely unsafe for living beings. Kaidan grunts when they stop and the trio watches the armature go flying then roll along the rocky surface. Wrex aims the gun at it and blows it up.

“Alright, one more for the road before we get out of here,” Shepard says and Kaidan is about to ask what he means before he finds out.

“I hate you so much,” he grumbles over the music. They already made the armature explode, is it really necessary to run over its remains? All he wants is to return to the Normandy and get his feet on solid ground. Kaidan slumps back in his seat and accepts their shenanigans. But that’s very short-lived because the moment he does, the mako collides with the geth’s metal frame and the right side of the vehicle lifts off the ground. They hang in limbo for a few slow seconds before it slams back onto the ground and they skid to a stop. Shepard and Wrex stare at each other a moment before high-fiving. Kaidan doesn’t feel quite as bubbly.

“I don’t care if you’re technically in charge. Cal, as long as I’m around, you’re never driving again.”

“Ooh, bossy Kaidan. I like it,” Cal coos. Any other time, the lieutenant would flirt back but he’s too angry to play.

“Shut up and radio Joker.”

“Will do, _sir_.”

But as mad as he is, Kaidan has to admit he enjoys the way Cal calls him ‘sir.’


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little fun in the elevators with Wrex. Kaidan watches

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No sex but this one should probably be rated mature. A brief moment of mShrex because I can't resist

“I fucking hate these elevators,” Shepard groans as he, Kaidan, and Wrex walk into one.

A salarian starts running towards them. “Excuse me! Can you please hold-”

“Nope!” Cal says, slamming the button to close the door. He and Wrex laugh while Kaidan mouths ‘sorry’ to the alien. “We have FTL travel, why do these things run so slow?”

“Solely to torture you,” Kaidan says.

He stretches and yawns. “By the way, I’m still upset we got interrupted earlier, Kay.” He turns a sharp gaze towards the krogan.

“Hehehe, you promised me sushi at the Citadel,” Wrex says. “I thought you were a man of your word.”

“You could’ve waited a damn minute!” He leans over and gives Kaidan a kiss.

“Later,” the lieutenant promises.

“I don’t wanna wait until later.” He walks up to the glass and presses himself against it. “You should pin me up against this glass, give anyone looking a real show. Hopefully a tabloid.”

Kaidan sighs. “Look, I know I fucked you in an alley that one time but maybe we shouldn’t have sex in plain view.”

Cal groans dramatically. “How are you not turned on by the idea?” He glances over at his favorite krogan. “What about you, Wrexie? Think you can still handle all this human?” It’s no secret among anyone that he and Wrex fucked that one time before he and Kaidan started dating.

Wrex looks at Kaidan but he doesn’t object. “Have fun,” Kaidan mutters. He doesn’t have to say it out loud but...he really wants to watch.

Wrex reaches out a giant hand and pushes Cal back against the glass. He finally shuts up as his legs are hoisted into the air. There’s no way he can wrap his thighs around Wrex as he settles his thick body between them.

Cal holds onto Wrex’s shoulders for dear life and starts thrusting against him, cock stirring in his pants as he moves. “Goddamn,” he moans breathlessly. He thought Kaidan and Wrex would just ignore his rambling but he’s so glad he was wrong.

Kaidan doesn’t mind that he isn’t the one arousing his boyfriend right now. He’ll take him back to their cabin later and fuck him good and hard. But for now, he’s happy watching the way Wrex teases him as Cal frantically kisses wherever he can reach.

And part of Kaidan does kind of really hope that a tabloid takes a picture of whatever the hell is happening in this elevator.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cal introduces Kaidan to his friend Luca Ryder

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of these might be cross posted. I have a separate story of Luca one-shots posted on AO3 as well

Shepard glances over at Kaidan, he's lying in bed and reading a datapad. “A friend wants to meet up on the Citadel.”

He looks up. “Oh, alright. Who is it?” Kaidan asks.

“Some kid I met in a tattoo shop a few years back. We catch up whenever our schedules align. His dad's N7 actually. Alec Ryder? Bit of a twat to be honest.”

“Sounds familiar.” He huffs when Cal suddenly jumps on the bed and nearly knocks the datapad right out of his hands. He puts it down on the nightstand. “So a tattoo shop, huh?”

“Yeah, it was...not long after Ryan died actually. A few months. His friend owned the shop. He hung out there.”

“Is he in the Alliance?”

“Yeah, not...really his choice. There was an accident with his biotics. His dad pulled some strings so he could get proper training. And stay out of jail.”

“Oh, wow. So he didn't want to follow in Dad's footsteps.”

Shepard laughs. “Definitely not. His twin joined when she was eighteen though. She likes prothean stuff like Liara. He's a good guy, I like him a lot. Do you want to come? He wants to meet at Flux.”

“Yeah, sure.”

“Good, I already let him know my _boyfriend_ is coming.” He smirks then snakes a hand underneath the thin sheet draped over Kaidan's hips. “I can't wait for Luca to meet you.”

~~~~~

“He said his hair's bright pink now, so keep an eye out,” Cal says as they walk into Flux. He waves to Doran, who's behind the bar, and looks around.

“Hey, look,” Kaidan laughs and points towards the floor.

Sure enough—dancing alone, swinging arms wildly, and looking off in his own world—is a young man with hot pink hair that flies with his movements. Cal cups his hands and shouts,

“Luca!”

'There's no way he can hear-' Kaidan thinks before Luca spins around and stops. He grins and before the couple can react, he's running straight at them.

“Cal!” the guy exclaims and tackles Shepard in a hug.

“Good to see you too,” he laughs. “I brought my boyfriend along.”

He snorts and straightens out. “I thought you were joking about dating someone.” He looks over at Kaidan and drinks him in. “I'm Luca,” he murmurs and licks his lips.

The lieutenant chuckles a bit. “Kaidan. Good to meet you.”

“Come on,” Cal says and jerks a thumb at the bar. “I'll buy us drinks.”

Luca wipes at his forehead as they walk over. He's covered in a sheen of sweat.

“Must've been going at it pretty hard,” he says to Ryder.

“Got some turian guy to dance with me earlier but it's just been me the last few minutes. You're late.”

“Cal's late for everything,” Kaidan snorts.

“That's true. Guess I was hoping his boyfriend would straighten him out.”

“Bitch, there's nothing straight about me,” Cal says before ordering them a round.

Luca leads the way to a table near the wall. He takes a sip of a cocktail the same shade as his hair. “I hear you two have been real busy.”

“You're not wrong. I thought they were keeping it under wraps.”

“Trying but my dad has friends y'know. Congrats on that spectre junk, I guess.”

“First human spectre's kind of important in galactic politics,” Kaidan mutters.

“Sure, but I don't trust them. Cal I know will do what's best but I don't trust any of those other fuckers or the Council. Fuck 'em all.”

“True. They're secretive, it's natural to be mistrustful.”

Shepard waves it all away. “The Council can fuck off, whatever. I hate them. What about you? Are you on shore leave?”

Luca huffs into his drink. “I...technically? I'm sort of still Alliance? I've been planning on leaving anyways...”

“I remember you mentioning that part before. What happened?”

“My dad. Lotta shit's going down right now.”

Kaidan notices Cal's tone immediately change. “Something sounds wrong. What's up?”

“That old fuck got booted from the Alliance. He's too obsessed with that AI stuff and they want nothing to do with him. It's being kept quiet right now but I know it's only a matter of time before word gets out. They already put me and Lyla on leave. Just...I think they're getting ready to kick us out too. Nobody'll want anything to do with any Ryders.” He looks down at his glass. “I don't care, I want to leave. But Lyla's devastated. She loves her work.”

“She’s in the Traverse, right?”

His head shakes. “Was. She's on her way here now. We're gonna spend some time together before telling our parents we're here. I-I feel bad, not saying anything to my mom but...”

“Hey, a couple days isn't doing any harm. It's okay.”

Luca tries to smile. “Thanks, Cal. She might make it before you guys need to leave and fist fight more geth.”

“It'd be fun for all of us to hang out. And I don't punch geth, I slam them with biotics.”

“Even better. So...what exactly's been going on with you? You're still mostly an enigma.”

“Saren's a cunt, we're trying to stop him. We just got back from Noveria not too long ago. Froze my balls off there.” He glances around and leans closer to the other two. “They had a rachni queen. A live fucking rachni!”

Ryder's eyes widen. “You mean...those bug things? That big war they teach us about...”

“Exactly. They wanted to use the queen's memories to find a relay that leads to this thing called the conduit and...it's a mess. We've been chasing Saren, fighting geth. I let that rachni queen go.”

“Holy fuck, you didn't kill her?”

“The war was...a long time ago,” Kaidan interjected. “We couldn't make a decision like that. Others on the crew weren't quite as agreeable.”

“Fuck them, they have no right to destroy an entire race. Why's this dude acting up? Isn't he a precious spectre?”

Cal explains everything to his young friend, firmly believing everyone needs to learn the truth. Ryder looks stunned with each new detail, it's a lot even for the crew who witnesses these things firsthand to process.

“H-how the fuck is the Council so calm and acting like nothing's happening? They're not keeping the peace or whatever, they're burying their heads in the sand. Oh my god...”

Kaidan watches Shepard place a hand on Ryder's arm. “Are you okay?” the commander asks.

“Hm? Yeah. It's just...a lot, y'know?”

“Ha, trust me, we know. The Council says they'll have a lead soon but for now we're just...sort of sitting here.”

“Oh, man. You should take me with you! You're not the only biotic! I can-”

“No, Luca.”

The boy frowns. “Why not?”

“Your family needs you right now. Wait here for your sister, go visit your mom. Your dad fucked up but you don't know what your future holds.”

Ryder doesn't look happy but he says nothing. He looks down at his hands.

“Thank you though. You're a good friend.”

He tries to smirk. “I know.”

Shepard doesn't like seeing him upset, this isn't how their visit—his first time meeting Kaidan—is supposed to go. “Come on, let's go dance. You should see Kaidan out there.”

The boy visibly perks and looks the lieutenant over. Kaidan just laughs a bit before knocking his drink back and standing. They dance for a while. Eventually they leave the club, then leave the wards altogether to hang out in the Presidium. Ryder gets the bright idea to go graffiti the embassies, and Cal is wholeheartedly on board, but Kaidan puts a firm end to that idea.

“The last thing either of you two need is to get in trouble for painting dicks at the volus embassy.”

They laugh but don't put up much of an argument. The three only get that day to hang out. Ryder's sister is still hours away when the Council calls Shepard about a new lead. They want to speak with him in person as soon as possible.

“Sorry to cut this short,” Shepard apologizes to his friend.

“Nah, I'm glad I got to see you,” he turns to Kaidan, “and meet you. This is...exactly what I needed. Stay safe, knock some geth heads, all that...”

Cal wraps his arms around Ryder. “I'll call you as soon as my business is done, okay? You and Lyla will be fine, I'll make sure of it.”

He nods against him. “Thanks. I'll see you soon.” When they pull back, he looks at Kaidan and smiles a bit. The lieutenant hugs him too for a few moments.

“Alright, as much as I don't want to, we really should head to the Council Chambers.”

No one wants to part ways but Cal and Kaidan leave Luca. They go to the Citadel Tower and they are given a mission that will take them to a planet called Virmire.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time to meet the family

Kaidan had been so nervous at first.

He doesn’t know why. His parents are eager to to meet the man he loves, the one he went to hell and back with to save the Citadel. And Cal...Cal’s reaction to the idea is great. He’s excited to meet them, wants to meet the rest of his large extended family.

They’ve gone through terrible things these last few months but Kaidan can’t help but consider himself so lucky at this moment. Saren is gone, the remaining geth are being driven back, and they have a moment to simply breathe. The Citadel is a wreck but reconstruction began immediately. As a reward (and to make some Normandy repairs), they’re allowed a few days off. During the flight to Earth, with the rest of the crew celebrating their victory, Kaidan shyly proposed the idea.

“I was wondering...when we land, do you want to meet my parents?”

Cal glanced up from the model ship he was playing and smiled. “Yeah, that’d be great. They’re in Vancouver, right?”

“Usually. They might be spending time at the orchard though. I’ll have to check.”

But more than a day has passed and they’re sitting at the orchard, his mom and dad bringing out a feast to the back deck. Tonight is dinner with his parents, tomorrow everyone else is coming in for a last minute get together. Kaidan has many aunts, uncles, and cousins.

Cal looks at all the food excitedly, his mouth practically watering. As soon as Kaidan’s mom tells them to dig in, he starts putting food on his plate. Cal looks so happy to Kaidan right now, as he jokes with his dad and bites into a piece of chicken.

They still have a long grueling path ahead of them but even that can’t ruin this moment, can’t ruin the feelings of pure simple joy from spending time with his parents and boyfriend. Tomorrow Cal will meet many more people and they’ll be a complete family.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan's first tattoo

Kaidan clenches his fists as the needle bites into his skin. He’s almost done, he’s laying on his back so the tattoo artist has access. He stares at a random spot on the ceiling. It’s kind of like a razor cutting into his skin. But it hardly compares to the pain he feels inside.

His eyes well with tears. He tries to hold them back but realizes he doesn’t want to. It feels like he’s been crying for weeks straight but it’s still not enough. He turns his head a bit, feels the tears slide down the side of his face. Kaidan hurts so much. Nothing in the galaxy could’ve prepared him for this, even if it’s always been a possibility with the lives they lead.

After what seems like forever--time always passes slowly now that he’s alone--the artist announces that it’s done. Kaidan wipes his eyes and stands up to look in the mirror. A sad smile appears on his face as he looks at the finished product.

A few weeks ago, Cal told him he wanted to get another tattoo the next time they were at the Citadel. ‘F holes, like on guitars. Right on my hips.’ Afterwards, Kaidan traced his hips first with soft fingertips and then with tongue. It was less than a month ago but it feels like another lifetime ago. Cal’s no longer able to get this tattoo so Kaidan’s getting it instead. A reminder--no, that’s wrong. Kaidan needs no reminders. This is a memento, a token of his love. He lost not a commander, not Shepard, but Cal. Cal, the man he’d fallen so completely in love with, the man who loved him so much in return.

He thinks of all the times he ran his hands over Cal’s tattoos. His skin was covered in marvelous shades of ink and he was constantly exploring all the colorful designs. This is Kaidan’s first, maybe only, tattoo. He wishes so badly that Cal was here to share this experience with him. Kaidan would give anything for that. He still doesn’t understand what exactly happened and he’s not sure if he’ll ever get an answer.

Kaidan can almost see the grin on Cal’s face, can almost hear the excitement in his voice, can almost feel the lips brushing against his newly painted skin.

“I miss you, Cal,” he whispers shakily. Just like this tattoo, that feeling is going to last for the rest of his life.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey Cal, just let me indulge today, okay?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I'm being honest, this is one of my favorite pieces

The day is February 14th and Kaidan is on Earth, on a short vacation away from the Alliance. He looks out the window and smiles, this is a fantastic view. A crystal blue ocean and a sea of white sand greet him each morning. It'd been Shepard's idea to come to Hawaii, he likes the state and has wanted to visit with Kaidan. But with so much going on (goddamn is that an understatement), this is the first opportunity to get away from space and ships and murderous machines.

Kaidan halts his own thoughts—today is not about work, not about anything except...

He grins a bit. He knows Cal hates Valentine's Day.

He finishes packing a small picnic, the last thing to go in the bag is a giant slice of chocolate cake—Cal's favorite since childhood. Kaidan opens his omni-tool and types out a message.

_'I know you hate this holiday but let me indulge just this once, okay?'_

He hits send then grabs everything and leaves without waiting for a reply. He already knows the perfect spot. He found it a couple days ago, a small grassy ledge that overlooks the shore. There's plenty of room for a couple of adults to lay out but it's private enough that anyone on the beach won't be a bother.

The sky is sunny and the air warm, much better than Canada in the middle of February. Cal hates being cold—Kaidan remembers the complaints on Noveria quite well.

He's relieved to find their spot empty and he hurries as best he can to it. It's an awkward image and Kaidan's pretty sure he looks ridiculous waddling through the sand. If Cal's watching, Kaidan knows he's getting a kick out of it. Once his feet are on solid ground, he puts his stuff down by a palm tree for a moment and closes his eyes. Sunlight beams on his face, it's quiet of all noise except the ocean, and the warmth relaxes him. It's perfect. Almost.

He kneels to pull out a folded blanket then spreads it across the grass. He sets the food down and takes out the last item. Kaidan sits and opens his omni-tool one more time. His own inbox is empty but he writes another message.

_'Happy Valentine's Day, Cal. Wish you were here.'_

He finally feels the painful sting of tears in his eyes as his hand brushes over a picture of Shepard. This should be their first Valentine's together. Cal should be here enjoying Hawaii with him, enjoying the day Kaidan would've planned for them.

It's been months and Kaidan still can't believe that Shepard never escaped from the Normandy. He can't help himself from imagining those final terrifying moments of Cal's life—they haunt him more than anything else ever has.

Kaidan lets himself fall back on the blanket, his fingers fumbling for the photo until they touch it gently. They survived Eden Prime, the geth, Saren, just for Cal's life to come to an abrupt end in an enemy attack they still know little about.

It just isn't _fair_. Shepard deserved better, so much better. And Kaidan would've given it to him, just like he would give anything to have Cal at his side right now. Instead he's only left with memories—not nearly enough memories—and a defunct email address overflowing with heartbroken messages Shepard will never read.

“I love you,” Kaidan says and he pretends the gentle roll of the waves is Cal's own way of saying, _'I love you too.'_


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A toast for Shepard

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be honest, I wasn't going to include this one but it somehow ended up being one of my most popular posts on tumblr

He arrives twenty minutes early. This day, this week, this year has been rough and he comes early to collect his thoughts, pull himself together.

Kaidan planned this day off months in advance. He needs it, needs this one thing to help him get through this. Today marks one year since Shepard's death. And he misses Cal every day. Their lives are dangerous but still he never expected...Shepard of all people...

He picks up his drink with the intention of downing it but the only thing he's capable of is a messy gulp. He coughs, sets his glass down, coughs some more until the alcohol is out of his lungs. But his chest still feels heavy.

He leans back in his chair and stares at all the people talking and laughing and dancing drunkenly on the floor. It feels odd sitting in this environment but it's a toast to Shepard, to remember his life, to remember all the times he's held Cal in his arms and all the times he never will again.

At first he wanted revenge—against the geth, against the reapers, against anyone who had ever criticized Shepard. But that faded quickly and now...he just wants Cal back. He wants to let go of his pain and keep Cal alive in his memories without his mind racing, without thinking how terrifying his last moments must have been, how he suffocated and suffered and-

He stares down at his drink and watches tears fall into the glass. He can't control it—doesn't want to, not today. His face falls into his hands and he sits at that table and cries.

His eyes burn and his heart hurts and the only thing he wants in this moment is to grab Cal's face and kiss him. His body's shaking and people nearby must think he's thoroughly drunk but that thought never crosses his mind.

A hand lands lightly on his shoulder and Kaidan flinches at the contact. But when he looks up he's met with Anderson, the person he's been waiting for. He still can't control himself as their eyes meet and Anderson looks just as sad as he does.

Anderson drags a chair next to him and sits down and he says quietly to Kaidan, “I know. I miss him too.”


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The beginning of Shepard's partnership with Cerberus

Shepard feels overwhelmed.

He's back aboard the Normandy—the new and improved Normandy—he has a crew and resources and...orders from the Illusive Man. He's alive but he's Cerberus now. He works for a terrorist organization but not for any of those 'bad cells.' He understands perfectly that things aren't so black and white, knows he needs to do _anything_ that can aid against the reapers. So he'll collaborate with the Illusive Man for now because they don't have fucking time to wait around for the Alliance or for the Council. Shepard knows that.

Joker's plotted a course to Omega, Shepard's spoken to this new crew and gotten reacquainted with the ship. Time to retire to his quarters for a short while, wrap his head around everything happening. It's...nice, bigger than his cabin on the SR-1. His eyes widen when he sees the skylight over the bed, the one looking out into space. His throat tightens, chest hurts, and he's pretty sure he can't breathe.

“Edi, close the shutters.”

“Closing,” the AI says and he inhales a shaky breath once he's cut off from space. He tries real hard not to think about it or the implications.

Shepard glances around to distract himself and his eyes land on the computer on the desk. He sits down in front of it. Maybe he can send a message to Kaidan but he probably won't believe it's him. What a fucking mess. He wonders how many messages are in his inbox or if it's now defunct after two years of inactivity.

When he logs in, the first thing he sees is a message from Anderson. Very recent. Saying 'if the rumors are true.' He needs to go to the Citadel immediately after Omega.

The next message is from Kaidan. Dated twelve days ago and Shepard remembers Jacob saying he's been dead for two years and twelve days. He hasn't even clicked on the message yet but he can already feel the tears in his eyes. He opens it.

_'I miss you, Cal. Still can't believe it's been two years. It's hard and I think about you every day. I love you, always.'_

A short message but Cal feels his heart splinter and crack. And it hits him just how long it's been, not everyone has been asleep the entire time. He filters his messages so only the ones from Kaidan show. Cal sits there and he reads every single one.

Shepard's traveling backwards through time, backwards through Kaidan's grief. He reads the anguish, the anger, the disbelief, the sadness dripping off every line. It makes him feel so much worse than he already does.

He creates a new message, rushes to type something out and everything sounds weird and wrong and like a scam. But he doesn't have time to think too hard, he has to tell Kaidan that he's not dead, that he doesn't have to grieve anymore. If Anderson's heard rumors then he must've too, right? But then why hasn't he sent an email yet...?

_'Kay, I'm alive. I can't explain it all in an email and I know how it sounds but it's true. I need to see you as soon as possible._

_And I love you too, always.'_

He hits send and stares anxiously at the screen. It could be hours, days even before Kaidan's able to check his inbox but he waits anyways.

Shepard waits, and he waits, and he-

There's a ping. He scrambles and then—Cal's message has bounced back.

“He must be on a mission,” he murmurs into the cold recycled air. Classified. Why else would it not send?

He can't talk to Kaidan. He can't let Kaidan know. Shepard stares at the screen some more and then he lifts his hands up.

He hides his face behind his balled up fists and cries. Sobs wrack through Cal's body and he's never felt more alone than he does right now. He's surrounded by strangers, forced because of the reapers into an organization he wants no part of. And he can't even contact his boyfriend to say, “Hey, that fiery crash I died in and you grieved over? Turns out it didn't quite kill me.”

He's far, far from okay but he has no one to confide in, no one to walk into hell alongside him. But he'll investigate the missing colonies, find who's responsible, use the resources available to him. And once his mission is complete and he has no more use for them, he's going to run as far away from Cerberus as he can.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Horizon

Shepard drops down, knees sinking into the grass. He breathes hard, his body aches, exhausted from the harsh use of his biotics. The praetorian is destroyed, the scions and husks dead, the Collector ship gone. He has no idea how many victims of Horizon are onboard but that is a mission for when they return to the Normandy.

He stands up, can hear that mechanic from the garage approaching--or maybe it’s another colonist. But then he sees someone walking out from behind some crates and his mind stops completely.

A few meters away stands someone also frozen for a moment in time.

“Kaidan,” he whispers.

The spell is broken, reality comes crashing back, and the two of them rush towards each other. Kaidan wraps him tightly in his arms and Shepard feels a lump forming in his throat. Kaidan, his best friend, his lover, is alive and unharmed and holding him.

“I can’t believe it,” Kaidan murmurs against him. “Cal, I...is it really you?” He pulls back and cups Shepard’s face. Their eyes meet and for the sweetest of moments, all is right in the galaxy.

“It’s me, Kay. I’m here.”

Kaidan kisses him deeply. All the memories, all the missions, all the soft touches in their quarters after, everything rushes back to him in a heady flood. The same happens to Kaidan--except his memories are coupled with heavy grief. Cal feels tears on his face and he’s not sure who they belong to. Once they pull apart though, he realizes just how much he himself is crying.

From the second he woke on that table, Kaidan has been on his mind. One of his first questions for the Illusive Man, for Anderson, was about Kaidan. Shepard was scared on his way to Horizon, terrified of the thought of Kaidan being hurt or killed. And he realizes that’s how Kaidan’s felt these last two years.

“Where the hell have you been?” he asks Cal and he can hear the quiver in his voice. “I heard the rumors but...I didn’t actually think...”

“Cerberus. They found my body, put me back together. It took a lot of money and time--the whole two years since the accident. I don’t, I don’t know how.”

“C-Cerberus? Are you...with Cerberus?”

“I know how it looks. But the Illusive Man-”

“Did they erase your memory? Don’t you remember all the terrible things they did? Things we witnessed for ourselves.”

“I know but...I’m not defending them. No matter what Jacob and Miranda say, I know they’re not a good organization. I remember. But they’re the only ones doing something right now.”

“The only ones? How can you say that? Why do you think they sent me here?”

He shakes his head. Kaidan’s getting angry, this isn’t how he pictured their reunion. It’s all wrong. “My spectre status has been revoked. I don’t have the clearance I used to and we can’t afford to sit around waiting for the Alliance. I mean, are they still trying to pretend the reapers aren’t coming? I hate the Illusive Man, I don’t want to work for him. But I’m free to do what I think is best to prepare, to save people. I saved a lot of this colony.”

“Because of the guns the Alliance installed. Are you really free? Or does he just want you to think that?”

“Our interests align for the moment. Once they don’t, I’m done. Kaidan, please. I missed you, I don’t want this to be how we meet after everything that’s happened.”

“I missed you too. I grieved for two years. Losing you was like losing a fucking limb. And now you’re back, and it’s a miracle, but you’re working with the enemy.”

“They’re not the real enemy! We both know it’s the reapers! Please, come with me. It can be like old times.”

His amber eyes, the ones Cal loves to get lost in, water. “No. No, it can never be like old times. You know I would’ve followed you to hell and back, but I can’t follow you into the Illusive Man’s arms.”

Shepard watches him cry and it breaks his heart further. Then Kaidan takes a step away from him and he feels like he could just die. “Don’t go...”

“I have to. As much as I love you, as _happy_ as I am that you’re alive, I can’t condone this and pretend like it’s not wrong. I can’t do that, Cal, not even for you.”

“And I can’t go back to the Alliance. Not yet.”

“Then...it looks like this is where we part.”

His eyes fill with fresh tears. “Wait. Just wait. Please, Kay.” He moves until their foreheads nearly touch, until they share the same air. “No matter what, nobody can take this moment away from us.” He pulls his boyfriend into his arms and they hug one last time. Their bodies have always fit so perfectly together. This time is no different, some things really can stay the same.

“I love you,” Cal whispers. “So, so much. I always will.”

“I love you too. That’s never changed. If you really mean it, that Cerberus isn’t a permanent thing...we’ll see. What happens, in the future.”

Shepard nods and realizes that Kaidan’s fingers are combing through the back of his hair. “Okay. Okay.” Cal continues to cling on tightly.

It feels like a long time before they part and it still isn’t enough for Shepard. They say their goodbyes and Kaidan watches Cal disappear for the second time in his life. He doesn’t see the way Garrus and Miranda wait for him back at the entrance, how Garrus has to practically drag Shepard away. He doesn’t see them at the shuttle, Garrus telling Miranda to go in ahead of them as he tries to console his friend.

No, Kaidan doesn’t see any of that because he’s engulfed in his own sort of pain.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a few days post-Horizon

He’s written about a hundred letters in his head by now but they all sound like junk. Days have passed since Horizon, since Shepard and Kaidan’s ‘reunion.’ Cal’s eyes barely blink as he stares at the ceiling of his quarters. He’s so mad and hurt and-

“Fucking asshole,” he growls.

And...can he truly be angry at him? A voice in his head immediately snarls, _‘Yes.’_ But another part of him can’t fault Kaidan for wanting nothing to do with Cerberus and all the evil things they’ve done. And that revs up another round of arguments that nobody but him can hear.

‘If Kaidan _really_ loved you...’

‘Cerberus is the only option...’

‘He’s moved on. Kaidan doesn’t want you.’

It makes his eyes burn and his heart hurt. Despite everything they went through with Saren, Kaidan refuses to see the bigger picture. Despite everything they shared with each other, Kaidan refuses to welcome Cal back into his arms.

Shepard’s breathing quickens as he remembers the conversation. He’s played it in his mind over and over and over again, and each time he gets a little bit madder. It’s a kick in the chest all over again. He turns onto his side and curls up into himself.

“Everyone else believes in me, Kaidan,” he whispers. But nobody is listening. He is all alone.

Even as he says ‘everyone,’ he doesn’t know if everyone would’ve joined him. And it’s impossible to know, he’ll never be able to ask.

Shepard closes his eyes. His hand grows heavy with the weight of another but when he looks, it’s not Kaidan lying next to him.

“Ryan,” he breathes. He can see his best friend perfectly, not a single detail out of place.

“Would you have come with me?” Cal asks him.

But he already knows the answer. Ryan would’ve sacrificed anything for him, and Cal would’ve selfishly accepted. The better question is,

“Could you be happy here with me?”

With this choice?

He can see Ryan already nodding. “You’re lying,” he accuses the man he loves more than anything.

“I’d do anything for you, Cal.”

He can hear Ryan’s voice so clearly and it’s the sweetest sound he’s ever heard. “You shouldn’t,” he whimpers. “Maybe Kaidan’s right. This isn’t worth it.”

“Maybe he is right. But maybe you are too. This is only temporary, Cal. Remember that.”

“I’m trying,” he says and he can feel the tears fall. “I’m trying...”

“It’s okay. I’m here with you.”

Cal swears Ryan’s telling the truth. He’s actually here with him, brushing tears away and comforting him like only Ryan can. He refuses to open his eyes, to let the illusion end. There is no Ryan here, for he died six years ago. There is no Kaidan, for he chose not to join this crew. Cal is completely and utterly alone.

The hand holding his disappears and the loss hits him hard. But just before he finds a way to lash out, a voice whispers in his ear.

“I love you, Cal. Always.”

He can’t tell if the words belong to Kaidan or Ryan. But it doesn’t matter. He loves them both. Always.


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A stranger observes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one should be rated mature, I suppose. Brief moment of sex

He asks me to turn the lights off. I do and I don't ask why. This isn't the first time we've done this dance.

The first time I invited him to my apartment, I told him he looked familiar and wondered if we'd met before. He laughed it off and told me to call him Cal.

He's a quiet lover and I can't figure out if he's shy or if it's something else. His moans are near silent but if I were to stop, I know he'd beg me to keep going. I'm close and I'm pretty sure he is too. I lean down and moan in his ear.

“Cal. _Cal_.” It comes out as more of a raspy pant. I don't know why I ever bother trying to be sexy.

But it has some sort of effect on him because in the next moment he rears up, nearly knocking me off balance, and cries out louder than I've ever heard him.

“Kay, please! Kay, Kay!”

My name is Ethan. He knows that, I think. But I whisper his name again and again until he's coming and shaking and then so am I. It's over.

He pulls away from me and he seems to be out of whatever trance he was in. He says nothing as he gets up and walks to the bathroom to clean up. I turn the light on.

He frowns and looks at the lamp when he comes back but doesn't comment about it. For a moment I think he's gonna gather his clothes and leave but instead he sits on the bed and leans back against the headboard.

“Who's Kay?” I ask, realizing I might be crossing boundaries. He's a stranger who sometimes warms my bed but Cal looks so sad right now that I want to do _something_.

He laughs but there is no humor or joy in his eyes. “Sorry about that. Killed the mood.”

“No...it's okay. Is he an ex? I understand.” He looks at me and it feels like his gaze is piercing right through me.

“Something like that. We, uh...” He seems distracted and I have to remind him to keep going. “It's a long story. Me and Kaidan...we're different people now. I guess. I'm not so sure.” As he talks, he absentmindedly strokes the orange scars on his face. He doesn't tell me what they're from and he just makes jokes when I ask why they glimmer.

“People always change though. That's normal.”

“Yeah, but this is...it's complicated. We've been through a lot together but we can't fix this.” He looks at me again and for a second, I swear his eyes are glowing red. But I blink and it's gone and he reaches for his shirt on the floor. “Life is weird, man. I've done things I said I'd never do, worked with people I hate, I had to watch my own boyfriend literally turn his back on me while I begged him to come with me.” He plays with a loose thread on his shirt. “I was mad at him but I get it now. I don't like it...but I get it.”

I don't know what he's talking about but I nod and agree anyways. It seems like the right thing to do. I'm surprised—this is the most I've ever heard him speak—and I wonder why he's telling me. Maybe it's easier to admit things to someone who doesn't know him. I thought he'd brush me off when I asked.

“I miss him.”

“Does he know that?”

“He does. I love him but sometimes...sometimes that's just not enough.”

My first instinct is to tell him that it _is_ enough. But I don't know the situation and maybe it isn't. I find that idea so sad.

He's a mysterious stranger, a shadow in the night, showing up when I least expect him to. He'll never be more than that to me but I'm still glad he's chosen _me_ to tell his secrets to.

He picks up his underwear that I tossed to the ground earlier and puts them on. I stay quiet as he redresses and I pull on my own pants.

He usually says 'I'll call you when I'm at the Citadel again' but he doesn't this time and I notice. Instead he grabs my face and kisses me. We've fucked multiple times but this is entirely too intimate and I'm probably too enthusiastic. Cal doesn't seem to mind though. We eventually pull back.

“I should go,” he tells me.

And it's at that moment, while my fingers trace the scars along his cheek, that I realize it. “You're Shepard.” He's always looked familiar because I used to see vids and posters of him.

He smirks but his eyes look so empty that it haunts me. “I'll see you around. Thanks for listening.”

He leaves my apartment and I know this is the final time. No one will ever believe I had Commander Shepard in my bed. No one will ever believe that the broken person in my sheets was the savior of the Citadel. But I'll never tell anyways. His secrets will always be safe with me. That's the only thing I can do to help him and I wonder if that is enough.


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luca disappears before the arks launch. His twin asks Shepard to find him. Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cross-posted, though I'll probably just delete the other collection of Luca drabbles I have

'I know you're on the Citadel. Your sister already told me,' Shepard types on his omni-tool. He taps his fingers impatiently against the bench he sits on but he doesn't have to wait long.

'No, she didn't.'

Cal sighs.

'She doesn't know for sure where I am,' Ryder continues. 'I could still be on Earth.'

'Are you still on Earth?'

'...No, I'm on the Citadel.' He sends his location and Cal recognizes it as the restaurant Luca used to work at as a teenager.

'On my way.' Then as an afterthought, 'Don't worry, I'm alone.' He's not with his twin Lyla or their dad. He's not with any of his own friends or anyone affiliated with Cerberus. It's just Shepard.

Lyla contacted him earlier in a panic, saying they couldn't find her brother and asking if he knew anything. The arks for this weird 'Andromeda Initiative' launch in a couple weeks. Cal already knows that part, Luca's been emailing him constantly. He's scared to leave his life behind.

Shepard's stressed too. Between the Collectors, trying to comfort his friend, what happened on Horizon...

He's just glad he's on the Citadel so he can deal with this. Soon he'll have to deal with the fact that he'll never see Luca, his friend for the past five years, ever again. It's not something he looks forward to. But the consolation is that Ryder and his family will never have to set eyes on a reaper. They'll be safe.

Shepard gets a cab. Even with his cyber-fucking-netic legs, there's no way he can walk that distance. He's not sure what he's going to say when they see each other. Luca doesn't want to go to Andromeda. He hasn't said it outright but he never had to. It's been obvious to Shepard and he's surprised it wasn't obvious to Lyla or their dad. Maybe they've been too caught up in their own excitement.

The cab eventually parks and he shuffles through the crowds. It takes a few minutes to find the restaurant and without asking, he knows to head for the bar. Sure enough, he sees a shock of blue hair alone at the end. Shepard takes a seat next to him and an asari bartender asks what he wants.

“I'll have what he's having,” he says. It's some sort of pink concoction. Luca simply stares at his glass. “Your family's worried,” Shepard tries.

No response.

“I know why you ran away.”

Still nothing. A glass slides in front of him. He takes a sip. It isn't bad.

“Did you have to come to the Citadel specifically for me?” Ryder finally looks at him.

“I was already here. I would've though. Do you plan on going back?”

“I don't know,” he whispers.

“What are you gonna do?”

“I don't know!” he repeats and Cal can hear his voice crack. “I don't want to go. I was excited at first but now...” He knocks back the rest of his drink. “No. _No._ But I can't just never see Lyla again. Even my dad, he's an asshole but...I already lost my mom, I can't lose anyone else.” He breathes out harshly and it sounds closer to a growl.

“Do they know how you feel?”

He shrugs. “They should now. But what am I supposed to say? They both want this so much. They can't fucking wait to go. To explore. My dad has no future here, he ruined Lyla's career. I-I didn't want that life anyways so it didn't matter to me. I'm down for adventure but fuck, there's still so much of this galaxy I haven't seen. I don't need to go millions of light years away for that. I was finally starting to pull my life back together and then my dad sprung this on us.” Shepard watches tears gather in Ryder's eyes. “Lose my life here or lose my sister. What the fuck kind of choice is that?”

“It's not a choice,” Cal says. “But you have to talk to them.”

“Why bother?”

“Because it's the truth. This is life changing and your feelings matter too. I don't know what'll come from that conversation but if you board that ark without saying anything, you're going to wake up in Andromeda fucking resenting them.”

Luca's hands come up and he puts his forehead in them. Cal watches tear drops hit the bar. “Why can't I just be like them?”

“Maybe they're not showing it the same way but they're scared too.”

“Yeah, but it's different. The novelty wore off for me a long time ago. Everyone else actually believes in this mission.”

Shepard's not sure how to comfort him. He puts a hand on Ryder's shoulder and decides to just say what he's thinking. “If you go, you'll be safe.”

Luca slowly looks up at him, eyes and cheeks all red. “What?”

“From the reapers. From the collectors. I told you about Horizon and how Kaidan almost got abducted. I'd die if something happened to you.”

“No,” he groans. “No, don't tell me to go. Please don't, Cal.” He starts crying in earnest now.

“I'm not telling you to go. I'm telling you to consider the danger here.”

“I'd never know what happens to you.”

“I like to think we'll find a way to win this. But it won't be without cost.” Cal sort of wonders if Luca's allowed himself to forget about the reapers. He and Kaidan told him what was happening two years ago, when they were still chasing Saren. But with Shepard gone and the Initiative distracting him, maybe he let himself be convinced they weren't real.

“I can help you,” Ryder tells him. “I'll join your crew-”

This is all very reminiscent of when he first told Luca about everything. He'll tell him the same thing he did back then. “No.”

“But-”

“You need to talk to your family first. Things are going to get real rough here real soon.”

“I don't want to go back yet.”

“Then don't. I'll call Lyla and let her know you're okay. I have some time. We'll hang out just us, okay?” Even as he says the words, he's not actually sure if he does have the time. But fuck the Illusive Man. What if this is the last he ever sees of Luca? They damn well have the time.

He nods and Shepard pays their tab. “Come on,” he says. “Let's get out of here.”

Ryder drags himself out of his chair and Shepard follows. He slinks off to a nearby bench as Cal calls Lyla.

“Did you find him?” she skips straight to the point.

“Yeah, he's fine. He just...needs some time before he goes back. He's scared, y'know?”

“Of course I know, I am too. Still could've told me. Are you with him?”

“Uh-huh. I know you guys launch soon so-” A lump forms in his throat. “-we're gonna spend some time together.”

She sighs. “Okay. Tell him to call me soon. I'll tell Dad he's fine.”

After they hang up, he joins his friend on the bench.

“Cal?”

“Yeah?”

“Are you scared?”

“...Yeah.”

Luca scoots closer and puts his head on Shepard's shoulder. “I already miss you. I just got you back.”

It's starting to hit him more and more that Ryder will soon be gone. “It's not fair. But you're not leaving yet.”

Cal wants him to get on that ship and fly far, far away from this galaxy. The reapers are coming and many people will die. Luca can't be amongst them. Andromeda is a huge unknown and he knows how many things can go wrong. But it's still a chance. Staying in the Milky Way is an almost guaranteed death sentence and it's something that scares Shepard more each day. Cal _did_ die and he knows that he most likely will again some day soon.

Whatever regret Ryder feels when he wakes from cryo, he'll be able to move on from it eventually. And he won't be alone. He has a twin and a dad. He'll make friends and they'll be better people than Cal's ever been.

He holds his hand out and Ryder grabs it without hesitation.

“I still don't feel much better,” he admits.

“I know,” Shepard says. “Neither do I.”

Ryder lifts their joined hands up and places a kiss on Cal's. “We don't have to go back to your ship, do we?”

“No. Last thing any of us need is you fist fighting my crew.”

“Damn right. They're Cerberus. I'll punch the first one I see.”

Shepard chuckles. “I know you will.”

His original intent when he talked to Lyla earlier was to help her brother but now his life suddenly feels like it's spiraling. He needs a few moments to gather himself before he attempts to move off this bench. All he can do is hope that Luca soon feels better enough about this journey to board that ark and that he's able to stay safe in Andromeda. Cal's powerless to do anything else, like how he feels powerless in so many situations these days.

“Ready to get off this bench yet?” he asks lightly, attempting to mask the sadness in his voice.

“No,” Luca says, not bothering to mask his.

“Yeah...neither am I.”

They continue to sit and watch everyone passing them by on the Citadel. Some are alone, some with friends. Some laugh, one couple starts arguing. Shepard and Ryder are amazed, and jealous, that all these people walk as if nothing's wrong in the galaxy while each of their own worlds is crumbling.


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard and Ryder have to say goodbye. Part 2

Shepard can't sleep. He's sitting on the edge of a bed, a few minutes ago he was tangled in another set of naked limbs. His hand blindly reaches back until it lands on a calf. Luca.

This is most likely the last time he and Ryder will ever see each other. They've spent the last day and a half together. His sister will be here in the 'morning' to talk to him and take him back to Earth, back to the Andromeda Initiative. Cal knows he still doesn't want to go but he also knows Luca ultimately will. They've talked about it extensively this past day. Ryder's finally starting to accept it. He will follow his sister and father to a new galaxy, away from the reapers.

That's all Shepard wants, for his friend to be safe. But knowing he'll be gone forever hurts no less. They've been friends for years. Luca was a young punk in a tattoo shop, Cal was still mourning the death of his best friend. Shepard never intended to make a new one when he walked in that day but Luca somehow managed to sneak his way into Cal's heart. Part of him wants to shake Luca awake and beg him not to leave. But that will never happen.

He will never tell Luca how devastated he is.

He will never admit how much he _does_ want Luca to join his crew.

He will never do anything to separate Luca from his twin.

Ryder will only learn to resent Cal if he doesn't go on that goddamn ark. And if he were hurt in the war that's looming, Shepard could never forgive himself. Besides, he can't ask him to stay just so they can die together in the Omega 4 relay. Cal is a lot of things, but he isn't _that_ selfish. He'll bury his broken heart deep inside until he's alone and back on the Normandy. And then he'll crack.

He barely catches himself from throwing his body back down onto the bed. He doesn't want to wake Luca. Cal opts for settling back next to him carefully. He curls up on his side and simply looks at the other man. He's on his stomach, mouth hanging open a little, hair a mess. Shepard's not sure he's ever bothered watching someone sleep before, not even Kaidan.

One arm's curled under a pillow but the one closer to Cal is resting at his side. Tattoos line both of them and he reaches out to gently trace the black bands stretched across his skin. Shepard likes the other arm better. That one's covered in bright flowers and leaves. It's colorful and vibrant just like Luca himself.

Cal eventually flips onto his back and stares at the ceiling. He feels no closer to sleep but that's nothing new. He never gets a good night's rest anymore. All the credits in the galaxy can revive him like some sort of zombie but they still can't fix what's in his head. He wonders if stress can kill a person. With everything going on, he figures he'll find out real soon.

~~~~~

Shepard pretends that he'll be able to find one final slice of time to see Luca again but in reality that won't happen. There's just too much going on with Cerberus and the collectors and he knows he should just feel grateful they've had this much. But grateful is the last thing either of them feels.

Walking out of the hotel is awkward, the elevator ride is silent. They're supposed to meet Lyla in the Presidium soon but Shepard's not sure he can stick around that long.

“I don't think either of us have ever been this quiet before,” Luca says. He tries to laugh but it sounds hollow.

Shepard scrambles for a joke as they leave the elevator, for something that can lighten the mood but he just can't find any humor in this situation. Ryan, Kaidan, now Luca. Everybody in his life eventually leaves him.

“You alright?” Ryder asks.

He finally finds his voice. “Are you?”

Luca frowns and shakes his head. “Not really.”

“...Me neither.”

“This is really it, huh?” His voice is a whisper, almost like he's afraid of the words.

“Yeah, looks like it.” Cal takes a deep breath. “You know how much you mean to me, right?”

“Of course.”

“I...fuck. I planned this whole speech out in the shower but now I don't remember what the fuck I was going to say. Goddamn it...” He sighs. “I love you, Luca. You're one of my favorite people in this entire galaxy and I'm really going to miss you.” He can see his eyes pooling with tears and it's making his own chest tighten. He doesn't want to break down in front of Ryder. He cannot. “I don't know what Andromeda's going to be like but that's part of the adventure, yeah? It won't have the reapers, it won't have the collectors, and that's already a huge fucking plus.”

“But I'm never gonna know what happens to you.”

Shepard puts a hand on his shoulder. “I've already cheated death once, right? I'm sure I can do it again. When you wake up, I'll still be alive in your memories. Just like you'll always be in mine.” He's prepared to catch him when Ryder shoves himself into his arms.

“I've always loved you too, Cal. But...I'm not ready to say goodbye...”

Shepard holds him tightly. “I don't think we ever will be.”

“Take a picture with me. So I can print it and bring it with me.”

“Okay.” 

But neither of them move.

“Kinda hard to take one like this,” Shepard murmurs.

“Yeah, a little.”

They finally pull apart so Cal can open his omni-tool. Their smiles aren't wide but it's a nice picture. He sends it to Luca's email and when he looks over at the younger man, he finally sees the tears run down his face. It takes all of Shepard's strength not to join him.

“Hey, it's gonna be okay, y'know? This is a brand new start. You'll be with your family, you'll make new friends.”

“I don't want new friends, I want _you_.”

“You already have me. You always will.” If he doesn't rip himself away right now, he never will and he'll say something he regrets. He'll break down and beg Luca to choose between him and his family. “Your sister's gonna be here soon. You should probably get down there.”

“You're not coming with me?”

“No, I should...I should go.” Cal doesn't know what else to say. What's the correct way to say goodbye forever to someone? “This isn't the last time we'll talk.”

He nods. “I'll call you before the launch.”

This time it's Cal who pushes himself to Ryder. He cups his face and kisses Luca. He tries to take all his feelings and convey them with his lips. He feels a hand clench the fabric of his shirt and another touch his hip. They eventually pull back and when Cal slowly opens his eyes, he realizes he's finally crying too.

“Goodbye, Luca,” he whispers. No amount of hugging or kissing can ease the distance that'll soon be wedged between them.

“Goodbye.”

One by one, their hands return to their own sides. It's time.

“We'll talk soon. I know it doesn't feel like it right now but...try to remember that this is a new adventure, okay?”

“Okay. It wasn't that long ago but the best day of my life was finding out you were still alive. Don't go fucking it up, be careful.”

“I'll do my best.”

One more hug, another kiss. It's not enough, it'll never be enough. Thoughts suddenly flood Shepard's mind and he wonders if he could've somehow been a better friend. Probably. But in the end, Luca loves him and he loves him back and any regret is useless.

“Bye.”

“Bye, Cal.”

Shepard is the one to turn away first. He can feel bright sad eyes on him but he refuses to look back. He can't or it'll make this painful situation even worse for both of them. His feet don't stop walking until he turns a corner. He's out of sight, it's okay for his back to hit the wall as he stares at the ground and cries. Part of him hopes Luca will come running around and say, “I'm staying with you!” But it's just a fantasy and he knows that.

When Ryder first told him about the Andromeda Initiative, he knew this day would come and he knew it would hurt. But this feels worse than he imagined. Maybe the stress of everything else amplifies these feelings. Or maybe he's always cared about Luca but he's just now starting to realize that a part of him has been _in_ love with him too.

But it doesn't matter. Ryder's gone. He has to accept that. When the reapers finally come, he'll be safe. That is the only thing that matters.

Luca will be okay.

As Cal dries his eyes, he repeats those four words in his head over and over. It's the only way he's able to return to the Normandy and pretend that nothing is wrong.


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Horizon, Cal wanders alone around the Presidium. But he's not alone for long

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Most of these things were written long before Andromeda came out, so there isn't a whole lot of focus on Cal's feelings dealing with Luca's departure :/ That's the same reason I don't have a bunch on their friendship beforehand either

He wishes Wrex were here. Well, maybe not _here_ here—he needs this time to be alone. But this giant krogan statue in the Presidium, the one he's walked past a hundred times, reminds him of his friend. He misses their banter, he misses fighting alongside him, he misses all the fucking fun they still managed to have. But Wrex has his own duties now, a different path, one Shepard's proud to see. Two years is a long time—he has to constantly remind himself that—and most of his old crew has moved on.

But the one person he wanted...that he expected...

Cal grips the railing tightly. Then he leans over it, one little push and he can fall right into the water. He can swim or he can drown right here in the middle of the Citadel. And it would be his choice.

They need some supplies and he knows Jacob and Miranda are somewhere around here or the wards. They have some extra time though and he allows himself a few hours of silence. He's used to ships and small spaces but the atmosphere on the Normandy is fucking suffocating. He's grateful for Garrus being aboard. And now...he's grateful for Thane too. They've gotten to know each other well in such a short amount of time and if it weren't for Cal, if it weren't for his hang ups then he knows the two of them would...

He snarls at the water. It's his fault—not Shepard's, but _Kaidan's_. Horizon still hurts so much and he just can't let go. He has to believe they can repair things when this is all over, he has to believe he has someone to return to. It helps him sleep at night and feel a little better about heading into a mission that everyone says is suicide. He loves Kaidan. He still does and he always will. But Cal can see himself falling in love with Thane too if only he could allow himself to.

Thane asked if he wanted company today but Garrus, his good friend who knows him so damn well, intervened and asked the drell for advice on fighting or something. He'll have to remember to thank him later. Garrus was there on Horizon, both he and Miranda know exactly how it went down.

Cal still asks himself sometimes if he was unfair to Kaidan. Sometimes he'll try to replay the entire thing in his head, like how Thane relives his memories in perfect detail. But he's no drell and only the grief and heartache stand out. Then it makes him mad, because it was Kaidan being unfair to him.

His eyes close. He sees two people staring at this very same statue and it seems like a lifetime ago. They're talking about Wrex and he hears himself laughing as he recounts a story to Kaidan. Kaidan laughs too and Cal knows he loves it but he just can't remember the sound of it now. That couple looks so much younger, they're so naive about the reality of their situation, and sometimes Shepard craves that ignorance. What he would give to-

“I didn't think it was really you.”

That voice. It's not just in his head anymore. And it's a sound he'll never forget.

“Is that why you came over?” he asks, eyes opening, still staring at the water. “Because you didn't think you'd have to actually talk to me?”

“I was hoping I could catch a glimpse before the illusion wore off.”

Cal finally looks at him, knows he's all red eyes and scars now, but Kaidan doesn't flinch a bit when he sees.

“I was looking at this statue too. Remembering all the shenanigans we got into.”

“What do you want?”

“I don't know,” Kaidan says.

Shepard turns away. He can't tell if it's anger or joy coursing through his body.

“Can I join you?”

Kaidan's suddenly next to him. He didn't even hear him walk over. “Do what you want. Not like you'll listen to what I have to say anyways.”

“That's not fair, Cal.”

And then he decides it's anger. “What's unfair is you barely giving me the chance to explain things!”

“They're a goddamn terrorist group. Do you know me at all?”

Shepard's muscles tense. He huffs but then lets himself go slack. “I don't want to fight about this again.”

“Neither do I.”

Kaidan leans against the railing too, he's right next to Shepard. His hand reaches out in offering. Cal stares at it for what seems like a long time and then he grabs it. They watch the Presidium together and Shepard doesn't think about anything. It's just like old times.

But this isn't the old times, the memories he clings to. Things are vastly different and more terrifying. Shepard can't elude reality forever.

“I might die,” he whispers. Then he adds, “For real this time. Permanently.”

“What?”

“I'm going through the Omega 4 relay.” He doesn't have to look to know Kaidan's eyes are wide, that his mouth drops open just a bit in shock. “That's where the collectors are holed up. It's happening soon, I can feel it.” He looks over and finally meets his eyes. “I'm probably going to die, Kay. It'll be up to you to stop the reapers. I believe in you, I always have.”

“No. No, don't say that. You survived once, you will again. If you go to the Alliance, they can send ships-”

“They'll just ground the Normandy. Again.”

Kaidan doesn't argue this time, he must realize Shepard's right.

“I'm scared.”

It all happens so fast, he doesn't realize they're facing each other and Kaidan's cupping his face until he's saying, “You'll get through this.” There's so much confidence in his voice, Cal wishes some of it would rub off on him. “If anyone can beat the collectors and come back from the Omega 4 relay...it's you, Cal. You're capable of so, so much. I've witnessed that first hand.”

Shepard doesn't know what to say, this is so different from their reunion on Horizon. “I don't know about this one. I don't know if I can.”

“You will. I know it. And I...I can-”

“I won't ask you to come with me this time.”

Kaidan glances down for a moment. “I'll be waiting for you.”

Cal finally leans forward and kisses him. Once again, he forgets about everything else. Kaidan's lips are heady and this moment burns itself into his memory. Kaidan pulls back just enough to ask, “When do you leave?”

“Whenever I want.”

“Will you come back to my hotel?”

He wants nothing more than that. Shepard eagerly follows him through the Presidium but there's a melancholic atmosphere around them. His omni-tool dings in the elevator and it's a message from Thane. He feels a pang of guilt but he needs this with Kaidan—they both do.

He might die soon in the middle of the galaxy and he has no time for anything or anyone else right now. In his head, he apologizes to Thane—for not discovering what could've been between them—before Kaidan pushes him against the wall and they get lost in each other.


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Horizon changed their relationship but it didn't end it

They're naked, limbs tangled together on a hotel bed. This is the third, maybe fourth time that they've done this. Shepard tries to pretend he isn't keeping track but he knows damn well this is the fourth.

They always sneak around but he has nothing to hide. He is unashamed. He is unhappy but he knows this is the necessary choice.

But Kaidan is ashamed. Kaidan is worried. Cal knows he is unhappy too. But they will do anything they have to for brief moments like these.

Kaidan can't be seen with someone from Cerberus. But Shepard is the same person he's always been. He's not _Cerberus_. He's the person who's always been able to make the tough, unwanted decisions. He is the temporary alliance with the Illusive Man, because desperate times call for...

He wonders if Kaidan forgets that. He wonders if they sneak into hotel rooms not for necessity but because Kaidan is ashamed of the person Cal has become. Maybe deep down, a part of Kaidan always has been. Or maybe deep down, Shepard is the one who hates himself.

But he can't deny the distance wedged between them. Things changed the day Shepard died. Things changed the day they reunited on Horizon. These rushed trysts are an attempt at getting back, for just a short while, what they used to have. But even when their bodies are pressed together, Shepard has never felt farther away.

Things will never be the same when Kaidan wants to pretend they're on opposite sides of a war. But they will always love each other and that means they will still try.

Cal brushes his fingers against Kaidan's stomach and watches the way the muscles twitch. “Kay,” he begins, breaking the odd silence. “There's something I need to tell you.”

“What is it?” he asks. Shepard can hear the tension in his voice and he thinks Kaidan already knows.

“We're ready to go through the Omega 4 relay. I just needed to make a stop here at the Citadel before I went.”


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cal has returned to Earth and nobody is taking the reaper threat seriously. He has a lot of free time

It was a mistake coming back. He’s not entirely sure why he did. He never wanted to sign up with the Alliance in the first place. But every time the opportunity to leave arises, he comes crawling back. His time with Cerberus is over, he has no interest in working with them anymore either. He decided to hand off the collector base to the Illusive Man, whatever happens with that will happen. He did his part. Something useful just might result from it.

But part of him regrets leaving them too. Cerberus at least had missions for him. For the past couple months, the Alliance has had him sitting on his ass. He’s stripped of his spectre status and position as a commander. The only thing they’ve done with him is interrogate him like a criminal and keep him under house arrest. That’s his reward for risking his life time and fucking time again. It infuriates him.

The reapers are coming, that’s a fact nobody seems to care about. He’s scared out of his damn mind, everyone should be. He still has horrid nightmares about fighting Sovereign and now the collector base as well. They need to do whatever it takes to prepare and instead they’ve locked up the person with the most experience.

He slumps down in a chair in front of the window. The sun shines, cars fly past, crowds bustle in the streets below. It would be a nice day if not for the galaxy’s impending doom.

Shepard bites at his lip as a thought comes to mind. If he tries to simply leave, the Alliance would stop him immediately. Guards scour the building at all hours and even though they pretend they aren’t watching his every move, that is exactly what they do. Sneaking from this location won’t work either. Sometimes he wonders if he could sneak out of the hospital though.

But that would require actually having to injure himself. He’s in enough pain as it is, adding to that doesn’t hold much appeal. Maybe he can fake a suicide attempt?

He huffs, knowing how unrealistic the whole thing is. Even if he did that, was hospitalized, actually left without detection, he’d still have nowhere to go. They monitor everyone he contacts so it’s not like he can just ask one of his alien friends to pick him up.

“Fucking cunts!” he shouts and buries his head in his hands. He can feel himself shaking.

Would it really be a fake attempt? Sometimes the idea sounds so nice. A true escape from the reapers, from his fear, from all the trauma and the enormous amount of pressure that constantly threatens to crush him. Now that is something that does hold some appeal.

Someone else could take up the mantle, be the hero, save the galaxy. He’s already done so much, is vilified for it, and he’s tired. He’s only one person, someone else can fill his place. Few people in the galaxy would truly miss _him_ anyways. They don’t care about Cal, they only care about the actions of the commander.

Kaidan is one of those people who would care. Even with how rocky their ‘relationship’ has been, he would miss Cal. He’s not sure what to even call them at this point. Do they still count as a couple? Can Cal still call him his boyfriend? The last time they saw each other was just before Shepard took his crew through the Omega 4 relay. He tried to see him after but Kaidan just couldn’t make it. He’s coming to visit in a few days, this will be his first time on Earth in months.

Things have been awkward between them but it’s the one thing Cal looks forward to. He’s nervous. Cerberus is out of the picture but can they move on so easily? Is it best to pretend it never happened or should they have a long drawn out conversation about it? Neither option sits well with him but he knows they should talk about it, get everything out into the open. Otherwise things will fester and come out as a huge fight in the future.

He feels so lonely right now. So useless. So exhausted, even if he does mostly sit around these days. When’s the last time he truly felt happy? When will he ever feel happy again? He hopes seeing Kaidan will lift his spirits more than it depresses him. He needs it, it’s not like he wants things to be weird. He opens his omni-tool with the intention of messaging him--he’s annoyed how everything he does is monitored, including messages. It doesn’t stop him from playfully sexting with Wrex and making whoever’s watching uncomfortable.

‘I’m going to look up a bunch of hardcore hanar/human porn right now,’ he sends off to Kaidan. Maybe if they joke around enough, things can go back to how they used to be.

‘I’d ask you to send me some pictures but uh...”

He grins. ‘You know that’s not gonna stop me. My sole purpose in life now is to make these guards miserable.’

The future terrifies Cal, not just how this visit with Kaidan will go but everything. It’s a lot to think about and so he tries his hardest not to. But that’s a little difficult when he has _so much_ free time. When the war finally arrives, tiny moments of joy will be all they have left until the reapers are defeated.

‘I love you,’ he begins to type. But then he deletes it. And then he writes it again. It’s the truth but is it something Kaidan wants to hear right now? Is this the correct moment or should he wait?

He remembers a time when he wondered the same thing for different reasons, years ago. Cal hesitated and hesitated and then Kaidan beat him to it and said ‘I love you’ first. Saying ‘I love you too’ was the easiest thing Cal’s ever done.

He hits send. He doesn’t want to hesitate about something like that ever again. The response he gets is quick and even though it’s a small thing, it gives him hope that they can repair the parts of their relationship that need fixing and come out stronger for it.

Shepard fights hard to save a galaxy. Cal fights hard so he and Kaidan can have a future. A few simple words are all he needs to know that Kaidan fights for that too.

‘I love you too, Cal. I’ll be with you soon.’


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cal may have avoided answering a question but that doesn't mean he's stopped thinking about it

_“If we die tomorrow, is there anything you’d regret?”_

A drunken slur in the Normandy’s bar. When Shepard checked the time on his omni-tool, it was almost midnight in Mexicali. A simple sounding question, but deeper than either he or Wrex wanted to truly delve into at that moment. So they laughed it off, pretended they were both too drunk when the truth is that they were both still painfully sober.

It’s a question Cal keeps thinking about again and again, even now that Wrex has departed the Normandy and returned to Tuchanka. Maybe a better question is what doesn’t he regret?

The first thing that always comes to mind is that final goodbye with Ryan. Even though they had no way to predict it, his heart knew what was coming, somehow felt that it was the last time he would see Ryan. When they said goodbye, Cal wishes he would’ve asked Ryan to stay. If he begged, maybe Ryan would’ve never gone on that mission and some other poor soul would’ve died on that planet instead. He would give anything in the galaxy to see his closest friend again.

He can’t regret joining the Reds. He was just a child but they gave him a good life--for a time. They provided a temporary family, no matter how dysfunctional, gave him a sense of belonging that the orphanage could never give. But most importantly, it led him to meeting Ryan. Would they have met otherwise? Maybe. Maybe not. Cal never would’ve been singled out by a rival gang, maybe they would’ve let his cocky immature ass walk by without issue. Ryan would’ve never needed to intervene and save him in more ways than one.

Cal doesn’t believe in soulmates. But if he did, he would call Ryan his. They’re not blood related but Ryan was his true family. Everyone calls him ‘Shepard’ but so few know that he took that name from Ryan. He needed a last name to put on documents, that much is true. But he could’ve chosen anything and he chose Shepard as a symbol of his love for Ryan. Sometimes he worries that he never showed his love well enough, but in his heart he knows Ryan knew.

Many times throughout the years, he’s found himself regretting joining the Alliance. He was a lost seventeen year old kid, signing up was never meant to become what it has. It was just supposed to be a way off Earth, away from Mexico where the Reds always lurked in dark alleyways inside his mind. He was supposed to skip out the first chance he got. But Ryan. Always Ryan. Everything in his life comes back to Ryan.

Ryan was proud of him. So when the time came to either stay or go, he chose to stay. He never wanted this life, but he’s never known what else to do. He nearly left after Torfan. Ryan took care of him during that time, made sure he didn’t run off or rejoin a gang or kill himself. When Ryan returned to work...so did he. And then the next year, Ryan was killed and stolen from him forever. He nearly left again. But the fear of the unknown kept him frozen in Alliance boots. And when they wanted him to go to N-School, he went hoping the intense training would kill him. Instead he failed out, took his N1 rank and drifted back into space. And nearly left the Alliance altogether again.

Cal wishes he would’ve. Where would he be if he had? He wouldn’t be on the Normandy. He wouldn’t have had to fight Saren, join Cerberus, be a leader in this hopeless fight against the reapers. He wouldn’t be Commander, Spectre, Shepard. He would just be Cal, a random citizen on Earth or the Citadel. Maybe he’d be dead right now--sometimes that still doesn’t sound so bad.

Had he left the Alliance, he never would’ve met Kaidan. Something inside his chest twinges at that thought. He loves Kaidan but their relationship has been doused in turmoil. They’ve been together since the SR-1. And then he died. And then Horizon happened. Mars. Kaidan’s back, somewhere on the Normandy right now. They’ve repaired a lot of the damage and he’s grateful for that. Cal still doesn’t believe in soulmates, but Kaidan’s something akin to that. It’s a different kind of love, a different kind of relationship from what he shared with Ryan.

Would he be willing to sacrifice his relationship with Kaidan if it meant never having to face these fears? These impossible odds? His shoulders are weak and aching with the weight of an entire galaxy on them. He’s tired, so tired, and no amount of sleep will ever change that. He loves Kaidan and nothing will ever change that either. So this is a question that will remain forever unanswered and unexplored. He doesn’t need any extra guilt in his life.

For all of his capabilities, Cal cannot change the past. If he dies tomorrow, will he die with any regrets? A lifetime full of them. But it won’t matter, the same way it doesn’t matter now. If he dies tomorrow, for a split moment, he’ll regret leaving Kaidan behind to grieve a second time. But after that, the only thing that will matter is that he’ll finally be able to rest. And maybe he’s wrong and there really is an afterlife. Seeing Ryan again, waiting for Kaidan someday, it’s all a nice thought. Better than the bitter feeling of regret Cal has known so well throughout his life.


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan and Shepard a little while after Despoina

The two of them are currently in the captain’s cabin, their shared quarters, on a bed too big for one person. Kaidan holds Shepard close. They took a very hot shower together and then got under the sheets naked, that part largely at Cal’s insistence. His eyes are closed as a hand lightly brushes up and down his back. Kaidan’s wide awake, staring at the fish tank as he thinks about the last mission. He thinks about how close he was to losing the man he loves. Again.

Part miracle, part skill that they escaped Despoina--and the leviathan--with their lives. Nothing for them has ever been simple.

“Are you still mad at me?” Shepard groggily murmurs.

Kaidan frowns at the tank. “I was never _mad_.” He breathes in and when he breathes out, it’s a lot shakier than he expected.

“Still upset?”

“I’m just glad you’re okay now.”

“Seems like a long way of saying ‘yeah.’”

“What do you want me to say?” And he is getting a little annoyed now. He’s been lying here the last ten minutes? An hour? Thinking about all these stunts Cal pulls. He thinks about the end of this war and wonders if Shepard is going to make it to that end. It’s such a painful, horrible thought. They start off doing things carefully but then here Cal comes, acting reckless, acting like it’s a _joke_ and...and...

“I know it’s not a joke.”

Kaidan blinks. He didn’t realize he’d said anything aloud, didn’t even notice Shepard move.

“What else was I supposed to do down there?” he continues. “I did what I had to.”

He shakes his head. “What else am _I_ supposed to do when you run off and do these insane things all alone? Look...I don’t want to argue again. Neither of us have the energy anyways.”

“I know...” He rubs at his arms, the blanket flinging off when he sat up.

“Come on, you’re still freezing.”

They get resettled and this time around, Kaidan’s gaze focuses on the skylight that Shepard always needs to keep closed. For a few minutes, the room is still. But Cal, always Cal, is the one who ends the silence.

“I’m always scared, y’know. But I’m able to do this stuff because...I guess you make me feel invincible. You give me the strength I need. I’m weak otherwise.”

“You’re not weak. And you give me strength too. We’re a team.” Kaidan has to push more thoughts out of his head, bad images of them not making it as a team to the final battle. He shoves those fears away and holds Cal a little tighter.

“Love you, Kay.”

“I love you too. Now please, get some sleep.”

And that’s a request Shepard can listen to.


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garrus gets teased about Cal and Wrex's old shenanigans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is super short but I'm including it because it's the very first mShrex thing I ever posted. If you want to see the (explicit) continuation of this, check out the first chapter of my other fic 'Down Time.'

Kaidan is whispering dirty things into Shepard’s ear when Wrex struts towards them. They both look up at him, wondering what he’s about to say.

“What’s wrong, Shepard? Didn’t want me as your date?” Wrex asks. “Too much krogan for you to handle?”

Cal laughs. “Goddamn it, Wrex, you know damn well how much I can _handle_ you.” Kaidan has always known all about it and he watches now with interest.

“Hey now. What? I’m sensing something here,” Garrus interrupts. He turns to Kaidan. “What are they talking about?”

Wrex gives him a ‘friendly’ pat on the back. “Why can’t you turians ever mind your own business? Don’t worry about what Shepard and I got up to in the old days.”

“Yeah, just know that I can very much handle a krogan. Both on _and off_ the battlefield,” Cal tells him with a wink.

“I...assume this was before you,” he says to Kaidan.

He nods. “I mean, even after we started dating, I told Cal they could hook up again if he wanted. As long as I was watching.”

“And with that, I’m going to turn around and pretend this conversation never happened.”

“What’s the matter, Garrus?” Wrex calls after him. “You jealous? You want a piece of this too?”

Garrus doesn’t bother responding as he leaves the other three grinning behind him.


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time to launch the crucible. It's time to make a choice

He has a choice.

But it's not much of a choice, is it? Like when he was given a choice to join the Reds or starve in an orphanage. When he had a choice to join the Alliance or face the wrath of the gang he used to be a member of. The choice to lead the fight against the reapers or die.

He has a choice how to end this. This...entity has a point. Destroy the reapers and be doomed to fall into the same exact cycle. Synthetic vs organic, two forms of life both equal yet waging war against each other as if they aren't. They could try to forge a new path together but what if they were to fail? When this thing tells him about this option, it takes the shape of that child he saw blow up in Vancouver.

Control the reapers and make them help instead of hurt. But he is not a good person, Cal knows this is his truth. He'll have no recollection of his human life, no memories of Ryan or of Kaidan—the people who helped shape him into the person he is now. What's to stop him from inflicting more pain and suffering upon the galaxy? When the child tells him about this option, it changes into someone who died under his command on Torfan.

The final choice—synthesis. The power to merge synthetic and organic life into one. The pinnacle of evolution. The ideal option. It seems unreal yet Cal knows this is the AI's truth. He will die. There will be no bringing him back this time. He will save everyone, even the reapers. He understands now that they aren't evil, that they are simply carrying out the task they were designed to do. Cal will die knowing he did the right thing.

When the person tells him about this choice, it changes into Ryan and Cal can feel his heart break. He finds himself staring for so long, wishing this thing would speak more so he can listen to Ryan’s voice a little bit longer. But this isn’t Ryan, he has to remind himself. Staying up here forever and pretending it is won’t save the galaxy.

Another choice enters his mind. He can walk away—a choice to not make a choice at all. But that's not a true option. If he walks away then he's condemning an entire galaxy to die, condemning the next cycle to a gruesome end, and every future cycle after that. No, he cannot walk away from this.

He staggers forward, his decision is made. He's leaving so much behind but he has to make the right choice. He never wanted to grow up poor and hungry, he never wanted to join the Alliance, he never wanted to touch the Prothean beacon. He never wanted to be the galaxy's leader in this fight.

Another limp to the pillar of light ahead. Another step towards the end. The end of pain, the end of all his guilt, the end of his time with Kaidan.

Every single one of his injuries burns and he almost falls to the floor. But he makes it to the top of the ramp and the beam of light that will heal the galaxy. It blazes just a few short feet in front of him. He can feel the energy radiating off and if he just sticks his hand out a little, the light will probably burn it off.

He distantly wonders if that could be enough, sacrifice a limb or two to fix things. But he knows that's not how this works.

As he stands here, he knows entire worlds are dying. But he's done so much for billions of ungrateful people that they can hold on a little longer.

He closes his eyes and tries to send a message to Kaidan. “Can you hear me thinking about you, Kaidan?” But try as he might, there are no final words he can send, no more whispered 'I love you's, no more gentle fingers combing through his hair. No more Kaidan loving him and convincing him that he's not the cold-hearted creature those same billions call him.

He will never see how this merging of synthetic and organic works, how they recover and rebuild an entire galaxy together.

He stares at the light his energy will soon be a part of, and in that sense he will live on. He will always be a part of Kaidan, even if Kaidan can't feel the whisper of his lover around him.

This is the right choice.

This is the choice he needs to make.

He needs to take one last step to launch the crucible and end his life.

“I don't want to die.”

Tears drip down his dirty, bloody face. He can't do it. He doesn't want to die, he doesn't want to die.

He turns around and sees Ryan looking at him. It makes things so much harder than they already are.

“I can't make the right choice,” he tells it. It says nothing, just continues to stare at him. It’s obvious this thing is Ryan only in image and nothing more. The real Ryan would rush to him and comfort him and drag him away from the beam.

Cal grabs his gun and for a moment he contemplates putting the barrel against his head. But he can't do that, he can't run away.

He stumbles down the ramp. His breathing is strained and his lungs are on fire. He might die after all, but he has to make sure he does this one last thing. He keeps walking and walking until he's in range and he lifts his gun and he shoots. He shoots and he shoots until the clip is empty and he collapses on the ground. It's done, the decision is made. The crucible will launch and synthetic life will be destroyed.

He might die anyways and this might be for nothing. But if he does, at least he won't have to explain why he chose to live and let so many others die in his place instead.


	31. Chapter 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan is left alone with his thoughts after the crucible launched

Shepard is real good at making Kaidan worry.

It’s not intentional, they lead dangerous lives, but that never eases Kaidan’s anxiety whenever Shepard charges into gunfire, or storms the ocean floor in a rusted Atlas, or takes on an actual reaper on foot. It’s not intentional, and so Kaidan can’t be angry--too angry for long--but it does nothing to erase the stress.

This latest stunt-

Kaidan snorts. Stunt. _Stunt_. This is no stunt. He can’t ask at the moment but he knows Cal fully expected not to return to him. But he was wrong and Kaidan’s so glad. He can’t handle losing Shepard again--first because of the collectors and then again, in a different way, on Horizon. If he could just go back and...no. There’s no use speculating over old ‘what ifs.’ They moved on from Horizon, from Cerberus, from Mars. Falling back into each other’s arms has been the easiest decision to make these last few years.

They finally have the chance for...a normal life? Perhaps not normal, but one more calm, a life together where they don’t need to worry about an impending invasion. Whatever they have a chance at, Kaidan refuses to believe it disappeared the moment Cal fired the crucible.

“Just one more thing to get through, right?” he whispers.

He wonders if Cal can hear him right now, if he’s fighting to come back and say, “I’m still right here with you, Kay.”

His eyes fill with tears. The things he would do to hear that voice again. Kaidan doesn’t want their last words to be an exchange of goodbyes and broken ‘I love you’s.

“Come back, Cal. _Please_.”

If he begs enough times, maybe he’ll wake up.

He stares at the tubes connected to his body, the bandages wrapped around limbs. The room is too quiet but the beeps of the machines roar in his ears. If Shepard was conscious, he’d be arguing to get out.

This can’t be it. He and Cal fought too hard for this to be the end. He’ll wake up and he’ll recover. This...this will be difficult. Kaidan has no doubts about that. When-- _if_ his mind taunts--Shepard wakes up, there will still be a long road ahead. But Kaidan will be there, he vows as tears fall onto Cal’s unresponsive hand. As long as it takes, he’ll be there. No matter how bleak things look right now, they’ve been through worse and have persevered. Cal is stubborn, too stubborn to let this be the end.

Cal will get better. He has to.


	32. Chapter 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Early on in Shepard's recovery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning - suicidal thoughts

It would be so easy, Shepard thinks as he stares at his reflection in the bathroom mirror.

Two pills rest in his palm. For the last week, they’ve been the final part of his nightly regimen. It would be so easy to turn those two pills into ten, or twenty, or however fucking many he has in the medicine cabinet. There are too many medications to keep track of at this point. Shepard is tired. So, so tired. First Saren and the geth, then actual death, Cerberus, the goddamn reaper war. The war was won but when will it be his turn to celebrate the victory? He’s alive, but at what cost?”

It would be so easy to end things, to finally get the rest he deserves. No more pain, no more nightmares, no more vomiting up breakfast in the morning and being too exhausted to move by the evening. He saved a galaxy, doesn’t he deserve some sort of reward for that?

He swallows the two pills down with a gulp of water and they settle in his stomach like lead. All he has to do is repeat, or crush them into his water bottle and drink the concoction down. Then he’d go to sleep and-

He would stop while the galaxy goes on.

He continues staring hard into the mirror, eyes tracing the scars, roaming past his overgrown hair and unkempt beard.

The galaxy would go on without him.

That isn’t completely true.

His eyes close as he’s suddenly overwhelmed with guilt. He would go to bed but who would find him in the morning?

Kaidan.

Kaidan has been by his side through almost everything these last few years and Cal loves him more than anything. He pictures the scenario in his head and it makes him want to throw up. Tears well in his eyes and he starts crying before he can control himself. He’s tired of feeling like this, he just wants to be okay.

“Cal?”

He shudders and turns around as Kaidan pokes his head in. His eyes widen and he rushes in.

“What’s wrong? Talk to me.”

But he can’t talk, not at this moment.

Kaidan’s scared. He doesn’t know what’s wrong or how to help so just tries to gently pull him away from the sink, out of the cold bathroom and into their bedroom.

“I’m so fucking tired,” Shepard finally breathes.

Kaidan knows he means something far beyond ‘sleepy.’

“I want it to stop.

Kaidan sits him on the bed before kneeling down onto the floor. “This won’t be forever, Cal. I promise. You will heal and he we can have all the things we used to talk about on the Normandy. I’ll call your doctor tomorrow and see if we can switch to some different medications or something. We’ll...I’ll do whatever you need, okay? I’m here, you can tell me.”

Another heavy wave of guilt washes over him but Cal nods and lets Kaidan wipe the tears away. He feels a pain in his chest that has nothing to do with broken ribs or pneumonia this time around and Shepard would give almost anything for it to go away.

“Lay down with me,” he finally says.

It’s Kaidan’s turn to nod and he stands. He turns off the lamp and tosses his pajama pants over a chair. When he looks back at the bed, Cal is carefully arranging himself near the middle. Kaidan joins him after a moment, pulling the blanket up to cover them. He can hear Cal’s uneasy breathing as he holds him close. Shepard feels nauseous. Kaidan feels scared.

Neither of them get much sleep that night but when the sun rises and light starts filling their apartment, Cal thinks he feels a glimpse of hope that he’ll be able to push through this with Kaidan’s help.


	33. Chapter 33

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One year after the war

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning - more suicidal thoughts

His legs dangle high, high above the asphalt and concrete that make up the street below. A cold breeze bites at his face while the small balcony he sits upon begins digging into the backs of his thighs. The night is chilly but the bitter iciness in his chest has nothing to do with the weather. A few days time will mark one year.

One year since the reapers were defeated.

One year since the galaxy was saved.

One year since he killed Anderson and Edi and the geth.

It doesn't feel like that much time has passed but Shepard knows it's because he was in a coma for some of it. Each month blurs into the next--hospitals, surgeries, physical therapy. Coming home, to an apartment that Kaidan had to choose alone, hasn't meant the end of his struggles.

Even now, Kaidan still takes care of him. Just a few hours ago, he needed Kaidan's help to get out of the bathtub—his leg hurting too much for him to do it on his own. Shepard is tired, but he knows Kaidan is exhausted.

This is too much, Cal is too much and he feels guilty. This isn't the life Kaidan deserves.

Shepard knows he should've died the day he fired the crucible. It would've been easier for the man he loves, it would've been easier for himself.

The pain in his leg is almost gone.

He struggled to come out to the balcony, almost wasn’t able to sit up here. It'll hurt like hell in the morning but Cal isn't so sure that matters anymore.

He knows just how easy it is to remedy the mistake he made a year ago.

A fall from this height will kill him, even with all his fancy cybernetics. It's a comfort on this night, when he needs comfort the most. If Kaidan were awake, Shepard knows he'd try to provide his own brand of comfort but Cal doesn't know how to receive Kaidan's love right now.

His eyes dart up at the sky, at stars he knows are there but are difficult to see with the sea of light emanating from the city. He remembers staring at the same blackened void when he was a homeless teenager, lost and lonely without his best friend. He didn't know it at the time but a few weeks later he'd be traversing the same stars on his way to Arcturus Station—a decision that still sometimes feels like the biggest mistake of his life.

Shepard's body starts rocking back and forth, precariously close to leaning a little too far off the balcony. A simple solution to end all the guilt and all the pain he's experienced since waking from that coma, from remembering what happened on the Citadel, from realizing that he slaughtered all synthetic life when he could've united everyone into something better.

He should've died on the Citadel, sacrificed himself to truly save the galaxy.

Cal's eyes tear up and the sky and the lights blur. He rocks a little harder, wondering why he can't seem to make that final move and push himself off the ledge.

“Kaidan,” he whispers. But Kaidan's not here, he's inside sleeping and dreaming peacefully of the life they should have together, that they could've had if only they were different people.

_“Kaidan,”_ he says a little louder and he looks down but he can't see straight. The tears fall and he distantly wonders if they'll hit the ground or evaporate into the air. Maybe his own body will simply disappear before he ever touches the earth.

“Cal.”

His name is murmured so quietly and he wonders how he heard that but not the glass door sliding open.

“Cal, stop moving. Please.”

But he doesn't, he can't, he's no longer in control of his body— and that's laughable. His body hasn't been his own in a year, when he was in a coma and he needed machines just to breathe. Or maybe it became someone else's when Cerberus glued him back together. Miranda said she made him exactly the same but Shepard knows he's different now. Or maybe control is just an illusion and he's never been in control of anything—the Reds ordered him around from a young age and then it was the Alliance. He has always allowed himself to be used as a tool, a weapon, a thing.

It doesn't matter now.

Strong arms gently, yet firmly, wrap around him from behind and he finally stops moving.

“Kaidan.” His voice is back to a whisper. It's all he can manage anymore.

“I'm here. I'm not letting go. I've got you. I promise.”

Shepard wants to tell him to run, to run far away from him and save himself. But he knows Kaidan will never do that so instead he allows himself to sink back into the warm body behind him. He lets Kaidan take him back inside where he can no longer be a danger to himself.


	34. Chapter 34

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'Not every wound Shepard suffers is physical.'

He's in the bedroom when Kaidan comes home.

He was supposed to be gone for ten days. He comes back in six.

He had been nervous leaving Shepard alone for so long. But Cal convinced him he'd be fine, he was overreacting, it wasn't _that_ long. But this is the longest Kaidan's been away from him since the war ended and although most of his injuries are healed, Kaidan knows not every wound Shepard suffers is physical.

Cal is surprised that he's already back, that Kaidan finished his spectre work in nearly half the time. He feels guilty because he's the reason for it. He knows he should've kept his mouth shut a couple days ago but Kaidan called at just the right moment—wrong moment, he corrects himself. His heart hammered, his body told him to run even though there was nowhere to go, his own fingernails clawed into his thighs as some desperate attempt for a distraction. And then the call came.

‘I'm over-dramatic,’ he thinks as Kaidan rushes towards the bed. But he's more careful as he sits beside him, as he slowly wraps his arms around Cal. Kaidan doesn't care how greasy his brown hair is or how he reeks of old sweat and too much cologne meant as a poor substitute for a bath.

There are a million things Kaidan wants to say. But he chooses, “How long?”

“Three days,” Cal tells him. He can't help it as he leans into the other man's hold. He feels so guilty about feeling so relieved that Kaidan's back.

“Do you want to take a shower together?”

Shepard doesn't answer right away because he truly has to think about it. After a few seconds, he nods. When Kaidan finally starts to move, he feels twinges of fear in the back of his mind.

“I'm sorry,” he blurts out.

Kaidan frowns a little and stops. He reaches up and rubs his thumb against the stubble on Cal's cheek. Then his hand is cupping his face and the weight of it settles on him like a gentle anchor. “I love you, you know that?”

Shepard lets out a short laugh. Of course he knows that. “I love you too.” His eyes dart to the closed bathroom door. “Will...” He licks his lips, suddenly realizing how dry his mouth feels. “Talk to me in there.”

“Of course. How about you grab a couple towels?”

He nods. He can handle that. The flinch that runs through his body when he hears Kaidan turn the water on is subconscious. Of all the things, why does it have to be showers?

His heart's beating a little harder now but he's still in control. Kaidan's here now and he knows how to help if things do start to worsen. His hands are slow at stripping his old clothes off but he gets it done and puts them in the hamper. He walks into the bathroom to see Kaidan has tossed his in a corner on the floor.

Shepard's hand briefly flits over the tattoo of his name on Kaidan's arm. They really have been through a lot, which is an incredible understatement.

“Get in when you're ready,” Kaidan says. He waits for Cal to step under the warm jet of water first before joining and starts to talk about work and the Citadel.

Shepard's eyes close as Kaidan starts washing his hair. He keeps them tightly shut when soaped up hands rub his cheeks then his forehead. Cal tries to picture his anxieties being washed away by the water, of them falling through the drain one by one until he's clean again, until he's the person he used to be.

Kaidan kisses him softly once he's rinsed and he kisses back, lips quivering against another pair. His eyes finally open when the older man pulls back a little.

“You'll get through this. You can lean on me as much as you need.”

“I know. God, I know.”

He knows it's meant figuratively but he can't help himself from wrapping arms around Kaidan's waist, head resting on his shoulder with warm water pounding at his back. Deep down Shepard realizes that he'll never be the same person again. But maybe, just maybe, he won't always see that as a bad thing.


	35. Chapter 35

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> During a visit with friends, Shepard reflects

Shepard stands just out of sight around the corner. He listens. A few friends are visiting their apartment in Vancouver—Vega, Cortez, even Garrus made it. He's lost track of the weeks and months but he knows the reaper war's been over for a long time.

It feels like everyone but him has been able to move on.

He listens to his friends and lover break out into laughter again and it's the most he's heard Kaidan laugh in so long. He remembers when _he_ could make Kaidan sound like that. Instead he's pretty sure all he does is make Kaidan hide in other rooms some nights and quietly cry because of Shepard's stubbornness, his injuries, the stress, the fear, the...all of it.

Cal feels a bubble of hate for his friends in that moment but he quickly shakes it. He doesn't hate them but he is jealous of them, for bringing joy to Kaidan that he simply _can't_ anymore. There are so many things he can't do for Kaidan anymore and it makes him feel terrible. Sometimes he wonders if he should just leave, like a thief in the shadows one night. If he disappears, maybe Kaidan's stress will disappear as well.

He almost lets himself start crying right there but then he hears, “Hey, where'd Shep go?”

Vega.

“I'll go check on him,” Kaidan says and he shoots backwards down the hall. His footsteps are silent—he did do more in the Reds than just stand around and look pretty.

“There you are,” Kaidan says when he rounds the corner and Shepard pretends like he hasn't been eavesdropping the last couple minutes. “Everything alright?”

He nods, not able to offer up an excuse. But in the next moment, Kaidan smiles brightly at him and extends his hand out. “Come on, you're missing Garrus' really funny story.”

Shepard takes his hand and then says,“Garrus? _Funny?_ ” And he purposely speaks loud enough for the turian to hear.

“I was easily the funniest and most handsome on the Normandy!” he calls back.

Kaidan grins at Cal then gently pulls him close. “Are you really okay?”

The number of times he's heard that question...but it's different right now from Kaidan. “I am.”

And that's good enough. Kaidan then kisses him softly and for some reason, it reminds Shepard of the soft kisses they shared on the SR-1. Those quiet stolen moments feel like a lifetime ago now.

“Hey, you two get lost?” Garrus says from the living room.

But Kaidan doesn't pull back until _he's_ ready. “I love you,” he breathes.

Hearing that immediately fills him with warmth. “I love you too,” Cal says.

It's true, Kaidan does love him. Through all the struggles, all the surgeries, the nightmares, the flashbacks...Kaidan has been there. It's hard, harder maybe than the actual war, but Kaidan is always there, promising to never leave, promising that everything will eventually be okay.

And he sort of realizes he doesn't have to be jealous of anyone. Kaidan's kindness and empathy are infinite like the sea when standing on a sandy shore, infinite like the stars they used to watch from the Normandy, infinite like the universe. There is no competition with anyone, no spreading thin. Kaidan's love for people is infinite and it always has been since the first time they met.

Kaidan's love for Cal is infinite. Just like Cal's is for him.


	36. Chapter 36

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How will history remember Shepard? That's a question he wants to answer himself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was originally inspired by the final chapter of bagog's fic 'The Difference between the Sea and the Sky'

It's something he's thought about for a while now. Not like he's had much else to do between checkups and spending time with Kaidan when he isn't in a bad mood. He likes to isolate himself when that happens, feels like he should give Kaidan a break from him. Shepard is a bit ashamed at how often it still happens. Sometimes he just hates himself so much. He's been so angry since waking up from the coma. He thought the one year anniversary might help him process some of this stuff and move on, but moving on from things this big is difficult.

The reapers are gone but so is Anderson. The galaxy is rebuilding itself but it's taken the doctors and Miranda ages to repair his broken body. And they sure as hell can't fix the stuff in his head. But when he's a little more coherent he thinks about what Liara asked him on the Normandy.

_“How do you want history to remember you?”_

What is his history? He doesn't want to be a legend, but that's exactly what everyone calls him. It's what history books will call him. A chapter dedicated to Shepard—the savior of the galaxy. A character bored high school students will be forced to write essays about.

They'll say he had 'a rough past.' They won't write about the twelve year old recruited by the Tenth Street Reds, the kid running drugs before he's even a teenager. They won't talk about how he stole for a living, tried almost every drug out there, shot another person for the first time when he was fourteen.

And what about Ryan, Cal's own savior? Will he even get a mention? His best friend, his first love, the person he keeps in his heart always. Will anyone know that the 'Shepard' they idolize took that name from Ryan?

What will they say about Kaidan? 'The second human spectre,' 'with Shepard from the beginning,' 'oh, and his lover too.' Will they gloss over the two men who have influenced him the most? Will Shepard be so bright that he eclipses the accomplishments they've made in their own right?

He doubts historians will write about how he never wanted to join the Alliance, how now that he's free he plans on never going back. He's an asshole, he's reckless, he fought every step of the way against the Council he despises. The Council he even let die. But that will all just get him labeled as 'a rebel.'

Those fucking teachers will never talk about anything he does in his life from this point on. Why would they? What could ever compare to saving a galaxy? Shepard knows that it erases his past as well, erases _him_. Every terrible thing he's ever done is forgiven. But that's everything that's shaped him. Is he just a symbol now? Is his humanity stripped and destroyed? Is this his punishment for destroying Edi, the geth, and yes, even the reapers?

With Liara, she gave him control, let him decide his own fate. Everyone else won't be so kind. If he tells his own story, then there's no dispute, no room for interpretation. 'The good and the bad.' There's a lot of bad and a lot that doesn't fit into that rigid dichotomy. He wants his story to be as real and as raw as it can be, its 'purest' form. History will believe him, right? He thinks so. They'll trust him—he is a legend after all. In the future's eyes, he can do no wrong.

Cal tries to sit up but it strains his bones and the cybernetics stringing his body together. Slow. Move slow. Recuperation is still slow.

His hand tugs at the blanket covering him and 'Shepard's lover.' “Kaidan,” he whispers. A soft stir. Louder. _“Kaidan.”_

“Yeah, I'm up,” he slurs. “Are you okay?” His own question seems to jolt him out of sleep.

“I'm gonna write my memoir.”

Kaidan sits up as well at this. “This is what you're thinking about at two in the morning?”

“Yes.”

“I think...it's a great idea.”

Shepard half-grins. “I can't let some boring scholar do it. Nah, it...has to be me, someone else might get it wrong...”

“When are you going to start?”

“Right now.” And then he turns away. His leg aches tonight so he reaches for his cane.

“Jeez, Cal.” Kaidan gets up too and follows him into the living room. He watches him gather up his pens and papers—exercises to help with his fine motor skills. It's only recently that Shepard's handwriting has become legible. _“This is how it used to look anyways!”_ he's joked.

“What are you going to title it?” Kaidan asks.

“Fuck if I know. Titles are hard.” His hand hovers above the paper. It shakes a small bit but that's not the reason he stops. “I don't know where to start.”

Kaidan sits next to him and presses a light kiss to his cheek. “Describe Mexicali, the orphanage.”

“Yeah, yeah, gotta build a setting. I'll make sure you get a couple chapters in this thing.” He laughs but then Cal adds on, “I want the galaxy to know just how much I love you.”

Kaidan rests his hand on Cal's leg. “I love you too. And don't worry, I'll brainstorm titles for you.”

“Might need you to check my grammar and junk. I...want you to be part of this.”

“I wouldn't want it any other way.”

Then Kaidan watches the pen hit the paper, and Shepard writes.


	37. Chapter 37

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two years after the war. Cal and Kaidan talk about Cal's old home

Shepard’s lying on the couch watching tv. He’s been quiet since they got home but Kaidan doesn’t sense a bad mood. They had a nice evening out until Cal’s leg began giving him problems. His cane is only capable of so much. It’s been over a couple years since the war ended, since they found Cal buried in rubble. It’s been a long road to recovery, mentally and physically. A road that may never have a true end.

They’ve been on a couple missions in the recent past. Spectre missions. Together. Shepard pushes through the pain like how Kaidan pushes through migraines. They make quite the pair. Cal’s happily retired from the Alliance, Kaidan took a long break but he’s still enlisted.

Kaidan stares at Cal’s bare legs, he stripped off his pants almost immediately after coming home. He wonders if his bad leg will ever heal completely.

Cal huffs.

“What?” Kaidan asks.

Shepard’s eyes dart over to the end of the couch where his boyfriend sits. “I’ve seen this episode.”

Some galactic cooking competition. Kaidan’s only ever watched two, maybe three episodes. “Who wins?”

He grins. “The krogan. Took all those arrogant pricks by surprise.” He starts flipping through the channels.

“How's your leg?”

”Still hurts,” he grumbles.

“Did you take your pain killers?”

“Yes.”

The corner of Kaidan’s mouth lifts. Cal sounds mildly annoyed but there’s no real bite behind it. His eyes go back to the screen and they land on some random show. A couple women are outside walking through a park. Kaidan’s not sure what they’re saying because they’re speaking Spanish. Cal’s taught him some stuff but he still can’t understand without a translator.

“What’s this?”

“Don’t know,” Cal murmurs. But then he changes the channel again. “I recognize that park.” He laughs but it sounds sort of bitter. “That was one of the Reds’ old hang outs. We used to go there every night to drink and do red sand and fuck around. Guess they’ve cleaned it up since then but I’d know that fountain anywhere.”

“What were those women saying?”

“That it’s a lovely spot to take the family. Ha.”

Kaidan watches him for a few moments but Cal’s focused on the tv again. He puts a hand on his leg--his good leg. “Do you, uh...ever think about going back home?”

Shepard raises an eyebrow. “I...am home?”

He shakes his head. “You know what I mean.”

“Home’s not a place.”

“But...”

He turns the volume down and looks at him. “I haven’t been to any part of Mexico since my early twenties. The only thing that made Mexicali feel like home was Ryan. Without him...there’s just no point.”

“But it’s still where you grew up.”

Cal frowns. “It...”

“I remember when we went to Eden Prime the second time around. You mentioned it in passing but you said you wished you could go back to check up on it.”

He chuckles. “I didn’t mean what I said. I got caught up in the moment. I really can see it as a war zone, it must’ve been a disaster when the reapers hit. There were so many nice districts. It is a very beautiful city. But there was still that dark side to it that nobody wanted to acknowledge, that allowed the Reds to function the way they did, that allowed me to be fuckin' dirt poor and hungry as a kid. I don’t know how I’d feel going back.”

“When you put it like that...I mean, are you curious about what it’s like now? It’s a major city, I’m sure it’s been rebuilt.”

He sighs. “I guess I am. It wasn’t all bad, y’know? Even before Ryan.” Cal’s gaze is far off and unfocused. “I could...I could show you around. There’s a lot to see. Have you ever been there?”

“I’ve never been to Mexico. The only Spanish I know is the cuss words you’ve taught me.”

“Ha, most people are bilingual. You’ll be fine.”

“Or I’ll just make you translate everything. Will you really think about it?”

He nods. “Yeah. We can plan a trip soon. I...I’m okay with that. We can go to the coast too. I’ll take you to the beach Ryan used to take me.”

Kaidan smiles. “I’d like that.”

Things fall silent for the next few minutes. Kaidan’s content to watch this weird game show Cal’s found. But during the next commercial, he hears a quiet,

“I miss it sometimes.”

Kaidan squeezes his leg gently in response.

“I used to wonder if I’d ever go back,” he continues. “If I could ever live there on my own.”

“You don’t have to go alone anymore.”

“Heh, I won’t make us move, don’t worry. It’s probably too hot for you to handle anyways. But a...visit. I think that’s-” He ponders for the correct words. “What I want. If nothing else we’ll get some good food.”

He has never visited his country with anyone other than Ryan. But Kaidan...he suddenly wants to take this trip with him, he wants to share this side of himself with him. Kaidan is one of the very few people he’s given details to about his time in the Reds. But this trip won’t dwell on that. Shepard expects it’ll be difficult to revisit certain memories. But he and Kaidan will be able to make new ones in the city Cal used to call home.


	38. Chapter 38

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cal returns to the first beach he ever went to. Ryan may be gone but he can still share this moment with Kaidan

Kaidan looks over at his boyfriend. He has a backpack swung over his shoulder and he knows it contains a folded up cane among other things. But it’s useless to Shepard as they trek through sand. His leg hasn’t given him much trouble though and for that Kaidan’s grateful. The last thing Cal needs is to get upset and frustrated during this trip.

They’re in Mexico and Cal is showing Kaidan the city he grew up in. A lot of memories are packed into those streets, some good and some bad. It’s the place Cal ran jobs for the Reds. It’s also where he met Ryan.

It’s only been a couple days since they first arrived, and last night Cal said he wanted to take a ‘detour.’ Early this morning they left for Rosarito, a beach less than half an hour away by cab.

“I was sixteen the first time we came here,” Cal said when they parked. “I’d never seen the ocean before.”

Now they’re almost to the shore. Only a few people dot the area, that’s the reason Shepard wanted to come at this time. He’s been quiet and Kaidan knows how much he must be missing his friend.

Cal stares at the water a few moments before walking into it.

“I used to do a lot of things when I was younger,” Cal mutters. “Bad things. But Ryan never cared...” He sighs. “No, that’s not true. He did care. I know he worried about me a lot. But he saw past those things. He saw _me_.” He shivers as the breeze blows, as salt water laps at his ankles. Shorts this early were a mistake but what else is there to wear at the beach? He pulls the hood of his sweatshirt up over his head. “He showed me so much kindness again and again. Never to gain something, never to hold a favor over my head.” He wipes at his eyes. “I can’t believe it’s been twenty years since we met.” Which means it’s also been about ten years since Ryan was killed.

Kaidan wraps an arm around his waist. “He loved you.”

“He did. And I loved him too. He was my best friend. We had so much fun that day. I was so scared of the water but he stayed with me. Taught me how to swim. A fucking teenager who didn’t know how to swim.”

Cal and Kaidan watch the tide come in, then watch the tide go out.

“I’m glad we took this trip,” Shepard whispers.

“So am I,” Kaidan whispers back.

As the waves rush in, he thinks about his recovery since the war ended. He’s come a long way in just two short years. Things aren’t perfect but he and Kaidan are finally building a life together. He doesn’t think about killing himself anymore. It was difficult but Kaidan was right, it wasn’t forever. They were able to push through it together. They can be happy again. And when things get hard, they have each other to lean on.

The only thing missing is Ryan. That hole in his heart can never be repaired but it’s a pain he’s learned to live with over the past decade. Even if one of them is gone, their love for each other will always survive.

Together with Kaidan, Cal watches the water retreat and he swears he can hear Ryan’s gentle voice whispering beneath the roar of the ocean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I first created Cal almost four years ago now. He is by far my favorite character I've ever written. It's taken me almost a week to collect everything I wanted and put it in the proper order, but this is something I've been meaning to do for a while now. If you've read through these one-shots to get to know Cal, thank you.


End file.
